It's a Hair Dresser's Life For Us
by PepsiAngel
Summary: Four years after getting hit with the memory charm Mr. Magical Me himself is back! And, with no idea he is a wizard, is looking for a job. Muggles beware, Gilderoy could be working at YOUR local salon. *COMPLETE*
1. It's A Hair Thing

It's a Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By: _PepsiAngel_

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to J.K., I'm just using it to write this little ole story. Also, all the workers and Mr. Watson belong to *ME*. More humor will come soon, I swear. 

****

Chapter One: It's A Hair Thing

Gilderoy Lockhart, a charming and, if he did say so himself, an awfully handsome man, walked around aimlessly looking for a job. Recently, he had been released from an institute, though he couldn't recall why he was there. Now he needed an income if he were to keep his looks in such excellent shape.

Just then he passed by a shop window with a florescent pink sign displayed, it read: **NOW HIRING! Experienced hair dresser needed. Ask for Nikki. **By the fading of the letters and the bent edges, Gilderoy made the intelligent guess that the notice was rather old.

Gilderoy pondered of the whole experience bit for awhile. He wasn't experienced at anything, as far as he knew. _But they don't know that, _he thought to himself. So, being as dishonest as we all know he is, he walked into the shop.

Small chimes tinkled, announcing his arrival. _Not very fitting, _thought Gilderoy. _I don't need any bells to announce my presence with a smile like this._

A heavy blonde who was smacking a wad of large bubble gum walked over to him, very slowly as if that little amount of movement was killing her.

"Yes," she drawled.

"Uh, hello," he flashed her his most charming smile. "I'm here about the position."

The woman popped a gum bubble with a loud SNAP! That brought even Gilderoy to attention.

"You got an experience?" She eyed his wavy, golden locks.

He quickly thought up a lie, something he was mysteriously good at. "Mostly just with my own gorgeous hair."

He patted his mane lovingly. "I did go to beauty school."

Bubble woman finally looked interested, "Got the certificate?"

Gilderoy looked down, dejectedly. "My house was burnt in a fire, tragic accident they say. All my belongs burned with it." He sighed. "I would get another copy of my certificate, but I went to school very far away in America."

She snapped her gum again and replied with a wave of her hand, "Forget it. I'm Nikki, your new boss. Welcome to _It's A Hair Thing_, glad to have you."

Gilderoy would have been shocked at how easy it was to get a job, if he was not certain his early success was due to his charismatic personality and award winning (literally) smile.

In turn the two girls who were currently working introduced themselves as Jessica and Tonee. Gilderoy was stunned , though nobody else would be, to find out he was the only man who was employed at the salon.

"Today's a slow day, we are usually booming," lied Tonee.

"The other place I worked was always busy, non stop it seemed. I guess all the customers adored me," said Gilderoy with an, ahem, embarrassed sort of smile.

"I'm sure that was it," replied Jessica with a hint of sarcasm Gildy didn't pick up on.

He nodded, "I seem to have the golden touch." He winked and the other workers winced. "The business will skyrocket soon. They just need to know I am here now."

"How?" Asked Jessica with the raise of a slender eyebrow. "We aren't going to have an artist paint a moral of you on the window."

The girls laughed good naturedly but stopped abruptly when they noticed Gilderoy wasn't laughing.

"Very good idea, Jasmine," said Gilderoy. "I like it." The others stared at him uncertainly. Surely he was joking, they thought. But they had a sickening feeling he wasn't.

* * *

"Nice, very nice," remarked Gilderoy stroking his chin thoughtfully. He was inspecting the huge painting of him on the window of the salon, four hours after his arrival.

"Should we put anything else?" Asked one of the paint flecked workers uncertainly.

"Maybe. I should check with my boss first," began Gilderoy. "But I have an idea!"

"Well, that's a first," Tonee, who had heard everything, muttered scornfully. Poor Gilderoy didn't seem to be getting along with his colleagues. What a surprise.

He sauntered up to Nikki and Tonee and asked, "Would you mind if I take the liberty to have them paint a few words on there too?"

Nikki opened her mouth to reply, but she was interrupted by Gilderoy. 

"I was thinking of putting my name and maybe a short sentence too."

This reminded Nikki of something. After having him as an employee for almost the whole day and spending a truck load of money on his ideas, she did not even know his name.

"What exactly is your name?" Nikki and Tonee questioned him in unison. 

"Oh, I can't believe I didn't tell you. It's, uh, Phillipe Bryant." It was the first name that his fast thinking mind thought of. He had to admit it fit, Phillipe was an exotic name for an exotic looking guy. And so modest too!

"I see. Well, Phillipe, a couple more words couldn't cost too much, could they?" Replied Nikki with a small shrug.

"This is costing the salon an arm and a leg," hissed Nikki to the other employees. "This better improve the business."

It was a bit of time later and Gilderoy had not been very true to his word. The area above his flattering portrait was filled with the words Phillipe Bryant, world renown hair stylist. Underneath the wonderful painting were the words he'll make you look twice as good as him. Hardly a few words, as you can see.

This was also one hundred percent false, of course. We all know nobody could look as good as Lockhart, let alone twice as good.

After dismissing the now tired, and extremely irritable, painters Gilderoy went inside to alert the others that his master piece was finished.

They all paraded outside to see the piece of art he was raving about. When they caught sight of the completed windows, they were more than a little surprised.

All five of them gaped at him, apparently to shocked to speak until Nikki managed to holler, "Wh-wh- WHAT DID YOU DO?" With the effort her gum flew out of her mouth. It was unlucky, for him anyway, because at that moment a Mr. Carleton Watson walked into the range of the pink, flying wad.

It got stuck in the little bit of hair that Carleton still had, the flecks of gooey pink caught in the black wisps. Nikki groaned aloud.

"I'm so sorry," she said.

"So sorry," echoed Jessica.

Mr. Watson patted helplessly at his barely there hairs. The poor man looked as if he were too horrified to speak. Nobody knew what to do, nobody but Lockhart that is.

"Phillipe Bryant, world famous hair stylist, at your service," said Lockhart brightly, thrusting his hand at Mr. Watson.

Mr. Watson shook his hand, but did so reluctantly. He eyed "Phillipe" with great suspicion.

"I believe a free hair cut is in order," exclaimed Gilderoy, not noticing that Carleton had very little hair left to be cut. "Why don't you follow me?"

Mr. Watson, looking like a rabid dog had just asked if he would like to be bitten, backed away quickly. "No, no thank you."

Lockhart seized Mr. Watson's arm and forcefully pushed him inside, "I insist! It's no trouble at all, don't worry."

"That's not what I was worried about," muttered Mr. Watson through gritted teeth as Lockhart shoved him into a gray chair.

And, to the dismay and horror of Carleton Watson and everyone else, Lockhart got to work.

* * *

A/N: Oooh, aaah. Simply amazing! Please review, I'd appreciate it greatly. Also, if you can check out some of my other stories I'd be forever greatly. Okay, next chapter coming ASAP.


	2. Of Russia and Runway Models

It's a Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By: _PepsiAngel_

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling, who is unbelievably brilliant, and don't sue me because… well, what's the point? If you took me to court over some plot line, I'm sure the judge would just laugh at you along with me. We laugh at your problems! HA!

****

Chapter 2: Of Russia and Runway Models

After a long time, filled with pain for Carleton Watson no doubt, Gilderoy announced, "Voila, I am finished!"

Mr. Watson was afraid to look in the mirror. As much yanking, clipping, and flipping as Lockhart did Mr. Watson was sure that one of the following had happened: a) He now had an amazing new hair do or b) He didn't have the amazing new hair do he should have after all that torture.

What Carleton did see gave him such a fright he let out a holler. And holler he did! His shout was so earsplitting that everyone else screamed too, even the mouse in the tiny mouse hole squeaked noisily.

"Why, why my hair! It's there!" 

"Rightio," exclaimed Lockhart cheerfully. _This hair styling stuff isn't so hard, and the customers are amazingly easy to converse with. None of this intelligent talk you might here at a different job, _thought Lockhart.

"I mean, my hair has grown back! And in such a shape…such a color." Stuttered Mr. Watson.

His hair was now tinted green and was in the shape of a Mohawk. Now, on a young rocker in the '80s this may have been a good look. But on a fat, middle aged man in a business suit? Forget it! The hair was enough to get him arrested.

"You look marvelous! That green is so…bright. I doubt if even I could pull it off so well."

This seemed to be enough for Mr. Watson, he paid Gilderoy a number of pounds and was on his merry way. Lockhart studied the coins in curiosity. What were these strange objects?

"Those are pounds, Phillipe, you know. MONEY." Said Tonee. "How did you do that anyway?"

"Magic," replied Gilderoy with a wink.

Tonee rolled her eyes and strolled back over to her customer whispering to herself, "Magic? Really now."

Throughout the rest of the evening many people came into It's A Hair Thing and they all seemed to want their hair done by the magnificent Bryant, who could work wonders with any hair. Whether it be an unruly mane or simply none at all, Bryant could help you look your best.

One lady, a Mrs. Kathleen Granger, was getting her large, curly hair styled. 

"Don't do anything drastic or wild," warned Kathleen worriedly. "I'm just in for a snip."

Gilderoy nodded thoughtfully, as if he was actually listening.

He cut, ripped, sprayed, and lots a few combs in her hair but he was stumped. Gilderoy simply couldn't do a thing with this woman's excuse for hair.

After many long (and painful of course!) minutes of clipping inches of hair off, Lockhart finished. The outcome? A very short and choppy 'do, that actually looked semi good. Of course, to say Lockhart was proud of the outcome was putting it mildly…

"There! Look at my wonderful work!" He sighed lovingly. "To think this once resembled a very sloppy rat's nest!"

Kathleen, ignoring his rude remark, gasped. She let out a strangled cry that sounded like the rat, who's nest she had kindly returned, was dying. "Where is my hair?"

Lockhart smiled and pointed, "On the floor, of course!" He felt proud of himself for once again being able to answer a customer's question. 

For some weird reason this didn't make Kathleen feel visibly better. She bit her lip and stared at Lockhart, apparently trying to kill him with her eyes. Imagine, some one wanting to physically cause harm to Lockhart! Now, open your eyes. If you could actually imagine that then you too need to be locked up in St. Mungo's. 

"Trust me, you look great!" Lockhart's comment was responded to with such a look that if looks could kill I'm afraid Gilderoy might just have croaked on the spot.

"Who is the world traveling stylist?" Asked Lockhart.

"You," replied Kathleen unenthusiastically.

"Who knows what is all the rage in Russia?" Demanded Lockhart.

Kathleen visibly perked up, _Like a happy puppy_ thought Gilderoy, and asked in surprise, "All the rage in Russia?"

Gilderoy nodded, "Yes! The fashion capital of the world Russia is."

"Since when," muttered Nikki, echoing everyone's thoughts. Everyone except Kathleen, who knew nothing about fashion except for what was hot in the dental office.

"Oh, wow," She breathed. "I've been to Russia…it's a very beautiful place."

Lockhart smiled as if he actually cared. "In fact," he said, moving on before the conversation got too intelligent. "There's probably a Russian supermodel walking down the runway AT THIS MOMENT, sporting the same hair style!"

Kathleen looked flattered. "I've never had a hair cut that was all the rage in Russia." Gilderoy snorted in a 'that's for sure' way.

"Most of us haven't been so lucky," replied Lockhart with his now signature wink.

Kathleen paid Lockhart and hurried out of the salon, patting her hair, not use to its short length.

"That was quite a story you told," said a customer who hadn't gotten the pleasure of being worked on by Gilderoy and instead had to settle for an actually qualified person. Imagine that.

Lockhart nodded with the air of one who was above mere mortals who knew nothing of Russian runway models.

"I suppose not everyone can be as remarkably cultured as me," admitted Gilderoy.

"Yes, I'm sure that would be totally impossible," replied Jessica sarcastically.

"You are just _so_ cultured and so… brilliant with scissors," added Tonee.

Lockhart looked flattered, "Oh, stop! You're making me blush!"

But the girls were having too much fun. "I can barely contain myself when I'm around you," said Jessica in false flirtation.

"Oh yes, and you're such the bad boy! Playing hard to get!" Tonee couldn't help but smirk after saying this. Luckily Lockhart, in true Gilderoy fashion, mistook it for a genuine smile.

"Please girl's don't fight! Line up for autographs!" Replied Lockhart, actually being serious.

Tonee and Jessica exchanged looks and turned around as to muffle there laughter. Soon after It's A Hair Thing closed for the night, and they shooed away the remaining customers.

"Well, congratulations on lasting the day," commented Nikki to Gilderoy as they closed up shop.

"It was no trouble!" Replied Lockhart truthfully.

"Okay, you are all free to go home!" Announced Nikki.

Tonee and Jessica left as quickly as they possibly could, eager to get away from the strong fumes of the salon and more importantly Gilderoy.

"You can go as well Phillipe," said Nikki.

"I'd love to but, unfortunately, I have no place to go."

Nikki stared at him. "What?"

"I haven't gotten the chance to buy a place to live yet, I recently moved here you know," Lockhart told her. "After the fire…"

Gilderoy succeeded in making Nikki feel sorry for him. "You can come to my apartment, but just for the night!"

"Oh, thank you," said Lockhart appreciatively. 

Nikki led Gilderoy to her little blue car and started for home. It wasn't until she was on the highway did she realize just what she had done. Phillipe Bryant was going to be staying over at the apartment, and she didn't have any cages or heavy rope. Nikki prayed that she would survive the experience with only duct tape.

* * *

A/N: Okey doke, hope you liked this chapter! Please read and review. Next chapter will be up as soon as possible.

__


	3. Survival of the Fittest

It's A Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By: _PepsiAngel_

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to my idol J.K. Rowling and I would love to own Gilderoy but sadly he belongs to her too. Nikki still belongs to me and Winterfresh belongs to its rightful owner.

This chapter is dedicated to Pete Stinky Feet- Thanks for the reviews. :-P Everyone R/R her stories. 

This chapter is also dedicated to She's A Star- Who'd better put chapter 8 up soon! She also helped me out when I was stuck. Thanks much.

****

Chapter Three: Survival of the Fittest

__

What could possibly go wrong was Nikki's last thought before she opened the door and lead Gilderoy into her apartment. Famous last words. 

"This is a nice little place," commented Gilderoy in a way that annoyed Nikki. Poor Gilderoy, even his compliments made people want to strangle him.

"Yes, I suppose it is pretty nice," replied Nikki and began searching her purse for a piece of gum. She pulled out a pack of Winterfresh and fumbled to pull a stick out. The stick slipped from her fingers and she bent to pick it up from it's spot next to Gilderoy's foot.

As she did so, Nikki's hot pink tank top opened in the front revealing a little more of her busty chest then she would have liked. Gilderoy checked her out appreciatively. 

Nikki stood up quickly and glared at him. Gilderoy chuckled to himself as Nikki walked away huffily. Who did she think she was fooling? Certainly not the brilliant and extremely clever Gilderoy Lockhart! He knows she bent down at just the right angle so that her chest hung out in full view. He knows how much she wants him.

__

'You can come to my apartment but just for the night'. Gilderoy snorted. He knew what that meant. _'Just for the night.'_ He chuckled. Could Nikki be any more obvious without stamping 'Gilderoy, give your hot self to me right now' on her head?

"What are you waiting for," said Nikki, and without waiting for an answer went on. "Come get something to eat."

Gilderoy nearly choked. Dear god, he knew Nikki couldn't resist (What straight woman could?) but honestly. She didn't have to throw herself at him like this. _Two can play this game._

"I'm not hungry…yet." Gilderoy winked and glided off toward the bathroom. He didn't really need to use the bathroom, or do much of anything in it. But where else was he supposed to go, and he needed to go somewhere so Nikki could yearn for his presence.

Meanwhile, Nikki went into the kitchen and made two sandwiches. She had no idea what 'I'm not hungry…yet' meant and did not care to find out so she just made him food anyhow. Around fifteen minutes later, Nikki was well into her first sandwich and ready to tackle Lockhart's if he wasn't back soon when he finally made his entrance.

Only he didn't enter alone. With him he brought along a huge trail of strong smelling perfume. He seemed to be drenched in it, carrying along the scent like Pig Pen carries dirt. Every inch of him reeked of Nikki's cheap perfume which HAD smelled good until he maximized the smell times a thousand.

"What is that smell? I know that isn't my perfume!" Said Nikki.

"It is," disagreed Lockhart. "I think I may have put a bit too much on."

"Ya think?" Snapped Nikki. The smell was overbearing.

Gilderoy nodded and sat down. He picked up a sandwich before continuing, "I think I smell irresistible."

Nikki stared at him, "Maybe to rats, that is if they mistake you for something that's rotting."

"What?" Asked Gilderoy, furrowing his brow. Nikki just shook her head.

__

I think I am enticing her, thought Lockhart cleverly. _Who could resist me now that I smell as good as I look? _If only Lockhart knew that was an insult.

After they finished eating Nikki suggested they watch the telly. Lockhart went along with this even though for all he knew 'watch the telly' was what Nikki called some horrible means of torture she did to unsuspecting victims.

Nikki led him over to a boxy black thing with strange antler like things sticking out of it's top. Gilderoy did not want to think about all the pain this item could cause. She flipped it on and there was suddenly voices and pictures of people kissing. The people proceeded in slowly removing their clothes.

Lockhart screamed in fright and hid behind the couch. Nikki stared at the couch where he was hiding. "What are you **doing**? Do you not like this program or something?

Gilderoy did not answer for he was shaking with fright. Nikki gets her jollies from shoving people in boxes and making them perform sexual deeds while she watches! Gilderoy wasn't going to let this be his fate, he had too much to offer this (unsuspecting) world.

He thought up a plan, and he thought it up quick. He would break the "telly" and free the poor sex slaves! After this, he would throw a glass of steaming water onto Nikki, the cup would conveniently be placed on the glass coffee table, he would then lead the freed people out of the apartment via the fire escape! Man was he brilliant.

Nikki appeared to be very enthralled with the so called program, so Lockhart slipped out of the room unnoticed. He stealthily tip toed to the kitchen and after several minutes of searching, in which he almost wrecked his inspired plan by letting the cupboard slam, he found a plastic cup. He filled it with boiling water from the sink and walked back into the room. 

"Just got a bit of water, dry throat you see," said Lockhart. Nikki barely nodded, she was still spellbound by these people's love making. _She is truly sick_, thought Gilderoy, _to get her kicks from such a thing._

Lockhart waited a little while before progressing in his plan. It was now or never and he had to do it. It was for the sake of his life as well as those people's lives. And besides, he would be a hero. 

In a split second Gilderoy jumped up, and kicked the television with all his might! Smash!, the glass shattered and Gilderoy helped the very grateful, and very nude, people out of the torture box. Yeah right! In reality, Lockhart kicked the television set very hard indeed. Just hard enough to cause himself a whole lot of pain but very little damage to the television.

He hopped up in down in place, holding his foot, and howling. "MY FOOT! I'M GOING TO DIE! I'M GOING TO BLEED TO DEATH! HELP!"

Nikki, recovering from her shock demanded, "Well, what did you do that for?" She then let out a stream of words that would have made the Queen croak.

She then realized that Gilderoy might actually be hurt and though this thought made her happy, she did not want his blood on her newly cleaned carpet.

"THE PAIN! OH, I CANNOT BARE TO LOOK!" Screamed Lockhart, tears welling in his eyes.

If this hadn't been the tad bit serious Nikki would have laughed herself hoarse over his predicament. "Great god, hold still and let me look at it!"

Lockhart obliged and sat down (yelling in pain the whole time). Nikki took off his shoe and sock, mentally making a note to sterilize her hands as soon as she possibly could, and was relieved to say not a drop of blood. His toes, which had a few small, curly blond hairs on them, were looking red and he had a slight purple bruise on his right foot. But Nikki did not share this information with Lockhart.

"Oh, sweet lord in heaven," breathed Nikki weakly.

"What," whispered Lockhart, trying to be brave. "I can take it, I know that I shall be leaving this earth soon. You can tell me. Is it awful to look at?"

"Oh, Phillipe," whispered Nikki. Tears of laughter from holding in her giggles were now sprouting in her eyes, which made her acting all the better. "It's…hideous."

At this Lockhart burst into tears. He had never been told any part of his body was 'hideous' and this was too much for him too take. For someone to say such a thing on his dying day!

"It makes a dog's shaved bum look rather attractive," Nikki bit her lip in an attempt to keep her laughter in. "And the blood, I have never seen so much!" 

Lockhart looked as if he was going to faint dead away. One glance at his face and Nikki could no longer contain herself. She burst into a spasm of hysterics. Nikki had never laughed so in her life. She hooted until it hurt, she giggled until she cried, and she rolled on the floor with silent chuckles.

Gilderoy stared at her as if she were mad. In confusion he asked, "What is so hilarious?"

"You are…not…bleeding," gasped out Nikki. "Just red…barely bruised."

At this Lockhart sighed in relief. Full fledged happiness coursed through him, "You had me there."

"I know!" Exclaimed Nikki, her mad laughter coming to an end. "Why did you kick my telly?"

Gilderoy explained all about his master plan and how he didn't think that he thought she had a problem and needed help.

Nikki grinned, "That is just a television! It's a means of entertainment, don't you know?"

Gilderoy shook his head and Nikki went on. "Those people are actors and actresses. They are paid to do that, and they aren't **in **their. It was filmed somewhere else…"

Lockhart nodded as if he understood. He needed to put an end to her explanation before he got a migraine from too much intelligent speak.

"Alright, we better get some sleep if we want to be up bright and early tomorrow morning!" Said Nikki.

"What if we don't want to get up bright and early?" Asked Lockhart, standing up.

"Then I guess we don't want a job," replied Nikki with a smile. She sat up, stretched, and headed out of the room.

Gilderoy watched her go. _She still wants me_, decided Lockhart with a chuckle. The ladies really could not resist him. 

With a smile, Gilderoy climbed onto the couch. Soon after he fell asleep, and had a dreamless nights sleep. That's luck too, because nobody, not even Lockhart, deserves to dream of sex slaves trapped in little black boxes.

* * *


	4. When Britney and Gildy Collide

It's a Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By: _PepsiAngel_

Disclaimer: Gilderoy belongs to J.K. Britney belongs to herself, who else would want her?, and I own all the salon workers as well as the mayor and anyone else you do not recognize. 'Crossroads' belongs to Britney and everyone else involved. I don't know anything about Birmingham, I just chose it. So don't kill me. Nysnc and Chili's belong to themselves. 

****

Chapter 4: When Britney and Gildy Collide

"Have you heard?" Asked Tonee as soon as Gilderoy and Nikki walked into the shop.

"No," answered Nikki without looking up. 

Jessica jabbed her finger at the small television in the corner and said, "Britney Spears is here! Can you believe it? I never thought I would see the day…"

"Oh, I know," gushed Tonee. "She just rocks! I love her style. I have to see her new movie."

Gilderoy was fully confused. Who in the world is Britney, and why, oh why did everyone seem to care about her? _Well, she must be someone important like me._ He rationalized.

"Who is this Britney?" Asked Lockhart.

"Oh, she is an American celebrity everyone is crazy over," replied Nikki. "I guess she is in our area."

Jessica and Tonee glared at Nikki for referring to Brit like she was just some celebrity. Britney was the greatest thing since hair spray!

"Britney is like, a SUPREME goddess! And she's actually going to be performing for Mayor Smith at his opening ceremony…" Jessica stopped abruptly. 

"I have an idea! Oh my god, Tonee! I am a genius! If it works we can meet Britney!" They both squealed as if this was a GOOD thing.

Jessica ran to the back room, dragging Tonee behind her, and leaving Nikki and Gilderoy staring at them in horror. And when Gilderoy stares at you in horror, you know you just did something weird.

"I don't understand. Why do that act this way over Britney Peers, but act if I was some sort of… mortal?"

Overlooking the fact that he thought he wasn't a mortal, since this was hardly fresh news, Nikki said, "Britney Peers? It's Spears, you better not let Jessica or Tonee hear you call her by the wrong name."

Nikki picked up a magazine from the table and showed him Britney on the cover. Lockhart, if you can believe it, was not impressed by everyone's favorite singer.

Gilderoy simply shrugged, "I can't wait to meet this Britney person. I'm sure I am more worthy of their admiration then she is."

A little while later, who should come running from the back room shrieking in delight, but Tonee and Jessica. Shocking, I know.

"OHMIGOD! We are going to meet Britney!" Tonee's voice was so shrill that it was hard to make out the words.

"Britney! Britney!" Echoed Jessica, sounding scarily like a parrot who just sucked helium. 

"How exactly do you plan on meeting Britney Spears? Please tell me you don't have some incredibly complex plans, like the ones Phillipe tends to come up with." Said Nikki sarcastically. 

Gilderoy had very little time to ponder over Nikki's (or so he thought) compliment because Tonee continued quickly, "But we need your help Phillipe."

Now they had Lockhart's attention. All the poor guy wants is to be needed…*sob sob*. "Oh, really? What do you need me to do girls?

"Seeing as you are Birmingham's greatest hair stylist," Jessica batted her eyes at Lockhart. Gilderoy didn't know what Birmingham was, so the flirtatious line lost something. But he knew what it was to be the greatest. "The mayor would be honored if did his hair!"

"Me? Do the mayor's hair?" Asked Lockhart in mock modest ness. He did not know what the heck a mayor was but he was willing to bet it was someone important.

"But of course," said Tonee. "Who else could make our mayor look like a human instead of a duck?!"

"Well, me for one," muttered Nikki.

"Oh, oh you flatter me." Winked Lockhart. 

"Come on Phillipe, it is our chance to meet Britney!" Exclaimed Jessica. "I mean YOUR chance to meet Britney." She corrected herself.

"And your chance to get us more business," added Tonee as an afterthought.

"Well, if you all INSIST," said Lockhart. "If you are going to force me to then I guess I will."

Tonee and Jessica squealed and hugged Lockhart (_Must the ladies always through themselves at me?_).

It was awhile before they all calmed down. Tonee and Jessica had showed Lockhart a video tape of Britney performing **I'm A Slave 4 U** and Gildy had a new respect for her. The girl could move, but what was with all that sweat? Not attractive. Now Gildy, Tonee, and Jessica were trying to learn Britney's moves.

This was a very frightening sight, poor Nikki did not know when she would recover. Let's just say Lockhart may be the hottest man alive (if you ask him anyway) but he cannot dance worth red beans and rice. He fell several times and when he was not on the ground ("I'm okay, I'm okay!") then he was flinging his arms and legs about in horribly exaggerated forms of Britney and her dancer's moves.

Lockhart tried to end the dance in a grand finale sort of move. But oh how wrong it went. He was planning on kicking his foot high in the air like a cheerleader, spinning around and dropping to his knees. While on his knees he wanted to fling his head back dramatically and put up one finger in a 'I am number 1' way. Instead, he kicked his foot high up in the air, spun on a shiny, still wet patch on the floor and fell with a smack. 

We all know not to dance on newly cleaned floors but apparently Lockhart was never told this. And how he was regretting it now, lying on the floor with a twisted ankle and sore butt. _If I live through this experience, _Lockhart said to himself in typical Gilderoy exaggerating fashion. _I swear I will make 'never dance on wet floors' my number one rule in life. _

"Oh my gosh, Phillipe! Do you think you'll live?" Cooed Jessica in a frightened voice.

"Yeah, will you be able to go to the ceremony and help us meet Brit?" Tonee echoed what they were really feeling. How insensitive.

"Yes, yes," Gilderoy managed to moan out through is pain. "I will try to survive."

"Well, if not, you may never be able to show Britney who the best blonde in Birmingham is," said Nikki with a grin.

Lockhart sat up immediately, "Let's not got that far." He chuckled. "I think I might recover by tonight."

* * *

"Wow," said Nikki. "The place looks brilliant."

Gilderoy nodded in agreement, "It looks alright."

But Tonee and Jessica were too busy staring at the stage. "BRITNEY IS GOING TO BE STANDING ON THAT VERY STAGE SOON! BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS ME!" Squeaked Jessica. Tonee would have said something equally brilliant but she was currently having trouble breathing.

"Oh, I can hardly contain my excitement," sighed Nikki sarcastically.

"I know," whispered Tonee, regaining her sense of speech. 

At that moment a very tall, thin woman walked out. She had a look on her face like she would rather be scooping cow manure in some field in Iowa then talking to them. "Britney Spears and Birmingham's own Mayor Smith will be out shortly." 

That simple statement nearly killed Jessica, Tonee, and about a dozen little teeny bopper preteens wearing shirts that read 'I'm Not A Girl'. (The shirts prompted Gilderoy to wonder, "_Then what are you_?" A question we have all wanted to ask Britney since the song came out.)

Jessica and Tonee hurried off to battle the teenyboppers for front row seats while Gilderoy and Nikki were left alone to find seats. This would have been a problem if Gilderoy wasn't with her.

"Move a side, move a side," he ordered, clearing them a path between several small girls and many middle age men. "Famous man coming through!"

Everyone glared at him as he pushed them aside but Lockhart took no notice. Who was he to actually care about someone's feelings? Or the fact that they like, really really wanted to see Britney and it wasn't fair that he just muscled his way in front of them. (To be so heartless.)

Nikki and Gilderoy settled themselves into seats in the third row. After five minutes of bored, or rather anxious for some, waiting the lights dimmed and a spotlight shown down on two chairs. A loud voice announced, "Please welcome Mayor Smith and Miss Britney Spears!"

There was a thunderous applause that could rival a stampede of hundreds of wild horses. Mayor Smith, a short, round man, waddled out and next to him was…Britney.

They seated themselves in the chairs before the Mayor said, "Thank you, thank you." The applause died down.

"As you all know, or should know, this is the talented Britney Spears," said Smith. "She is kind enough to perform for us on this lovely night." Another round of applause followed this statement.

"First though, Britney would like to answer any questions her adoring fans might have."

Almost every pair of hands shot up, the owner's waved them around like this would make her choose them.

"Ummm," She drawled softly into the microphone. "You!" She called on one of the little preteen teenyboppers.

"Are you still dating Justin?" Giggled the brunette.

Britney smiled sweetly, "Of course. He is such a hottie and I mean, he tells me I'm sexy as hail." (That is true, that is exactly what he said on Extra. *cough*)

Britney scanned the arm waving audience and her gaze fell on Tonee, who nearly died of squealing too hard, and she said, "You, go ahead and ask me anything!"

"What is your new movie about? In your opinion," asked Tonee delightfully.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you asked that," replied Britney. "It is a very complex plot so if I lose you guys, don't worry. Everyone gets confused over my intellectual plot."

Everyone nodded, waiting for her response. "Crossroads, which is totally my idea, is about these girlfriends who go on a total ROAD TRIP, and discover themselves. When they left they were girls, but when they come back they are women."

Britney giggled, "See, they were best friends but then they start to drift a part. What could they do? They had to go on a road trip to California! I mean, California is where dreams come true, it's a mystical faraway land that is only an idea for little Louisiana girls." 

Everyone was breathless, in awe of Britney's intellect level. I mean, to create such a complex and ingenious movie… wow.

Lockhart, for one, was in utter array. THE GIRL WAS BRILLIANT! The only other person who could think of such an exceptional idea was Gilderoy himself.

"Any other questions?" Drawled Britney.

Gilderoy jumped up and down, waving his hand wildly. "Yes?" Said Britney with a small smile.

"I am Phillipe Bryant, famous man, and I wanted to compliment you on your wonderful plot," explained Gilderoy. "I thought only I could be so incredibly intelligent."

Britney looked very pleased with herself, "Why thank you! That is such a compliment coming from another famous person!"

"You are amazing," gushed Gilderoy. "I never thought I would meet anyone who I admire as much as myself."

Britney replied with a simple, "Thank you." She started looking for someone else to call on.

But Gilderoy wasn't done, "You are so gorgeous! Your hair is like a river valley waiting to overflow!"

Apparently this was supposed to be poetic. Gilderoy seemed pleased with himself and Britney said, "You are just stating the obvious now." Everyone else stared at each other in confusion. 

Gilderoy continued in this fashion, and Britney began to get scared. Who was this man? Was he going to start harassing her? Britney wished with all her heart Justin was there with her, to protect her from the big, bad hair dresser man. But no such luck. Justin was in America right now, probably filming another of those annoying Chili's commercials in which Nsync tortures the whole country.

"Well, I think that is just about enough for the questions," announced the mayor, quickly taking the microphone safely out of Britney's hands. There were many groans and aggravated muttering from the crowd. That evil man had asked Britney way more questions then allowed. Was there no justice?

"Thank you so much Britney! Now I think it is time for your performance."

After this announcement the mayor hurried off the stage and Britney exited through the curtain. Some people came out, moved the chairs, and ran off again. Ten minutes later the lights dimmed once more and a spotlight shown on the middle of the stage. Britney slowly walked out and began to sing in an, ahem, soulful and sultry voice, "I used to think I had the answers to everything."

She sang the rest of 'I'm not girl, Not quite a man'. Er, I mean 'I'm not a girl, Not yet a Woman'. And continued on with everyone's favorites 'I'm A Slave 4 U' and 'I Love Rock N Roll'. She ended and was greeted with an undeserved standing ovation. 

"BRAVO! BRAVO!" Shouted who else, Lockhart, above the others catcalls and screams.

Britney bowed and ran off stage. The mayor walked out, clapping. "That was quite some performance. But now we have something I personally have been waiting for all night."

"Phillipe Bryant, a famous hair stylist who is new to Birmingham, will style my hair!" He exclaimed. This was greeted with less than enthusiastic cheers. Phillipe was the wicked Britney hogger!

"Phillipe, why don't we wait back stage while they set up?"

Gilderoy climbed through everyone, skirting many feet that were conveniently stuck in his path, and made his way back stage. 

After awhile of excited, bored, and anxious waiting, a voice announced, "Presenting Mayor Smith! And Phillipe Bryant…the famous man?" The announcer glanced down at his cue card, which Gilderoy had manage to get fixed, in confusion but hurried off the stage none the less.

Gilderoy and Mayor Smith walked out side by side, all smiles. Lockhart had all the reason to be grinning, he wasn't the one whose hair was about to be sabotaged. Pretty soon, though, Mayor Smith would certainly not be smiling. 

* * *

A/N: Oooh, pretty nice chapter. Sorry for all the Brit stuff but I personally find the hag funny! *hehe* Alright, review on people. Next chapter coming soon. Sorry for the delay in this one, I was struggling a bit.

****


	5. With a Slap and a Shout

It's a Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By: _PepsiAngel_

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to Johanne and I created the mayor and all salon workers. I also created Hannah, with a little help from my buddy Shes A Star. Britney Spears belongs to herself.

****

Chapter 5: With a Slap and a Shout

Gilderoy studied the mayor intently. What could he do with this man's hair? It was down to nearly his shoulder, and it didn't look so good. Gray and thin and body less. Gilderoy needed it to have oomph.

There was a huge intake of breath from almost every member of the audience. And Lockhart, too busy being arrogant and studying his work, did not even notice when the mayor demanded, "A mirror! I need a mirror! Let me see what the man did."

The tall, thin woman with the bored expression walked out again and handed the mayor a small mirror. He gasped when he saw his hair. He looked stylin' and hip! Phillipe was a genius!

"My hair, it says something now," began Mayor Smith, at a loss for words. He looked so snazzy! "But what does it say?"

"Bam! Pow?" Offered Gilderoy.

"Precisely!" Exclaimed the excited mayor.

Mayor Smith thanked Gilderoy, announced that the opening ceremony was over, and walked off to flirt with the young girls.

Gilderoy watched as he sauntered, er… waddled, up to two girls who couldn't be a day over twenty.

"Hi girls," he greeted them with a wink that anyone could mistake for a bad eye twitch.

They stared at him like he were some over grown animal. 

"Why don't you go hit on someone who was alive when you graduated high school," said the red head snidely.

"Yeah, you don't look THAT good," added the dark haired one. They both walked away quickly before the mayor used some pathetic pick up line on them.

Gilderoy shook his head. _Some people are so egotistical, _he thought.

After some time of searching for Nikki, Lockhart met up with her, Tonee, and Jessica in the parking lot.

Just as Gilderoy opened his mouth to say something, an unhealthily high pitched voice broke in.

"Hi there," she greeted them enthusiastically. 

They all spun around to face the speaker. A girl of fourteen with dirty blond hair and sparkling hazel eyes stood in front of them. By the 'I'm Not A Girl' shirt, the hat, ten buttons, stickers stuck on her face, patches on her pants, and socks Gilderoy made the clever guess that she was a huge Britney Spears fan.

"Wow," breathed Tonee. "Where did you get that awesome Britney gear?"

"Oh, different places," answered the girl cheerfully. "I have twenty Britney shirts, three hats, ten buttons, thirty packs of stickers, eight patches, two pairs of socks, various hair accessories, and I am even wearing Britney under garments!" 

Nikki coughed loudly. This was more than they needed to know.

"Anyway," she continued in that soprano voice. "I am Hannah McGregor, founder, president, secretary, treasurer, and currently the only member of the Britney is Power club." She smiled at them, looking like a child who had just been to Disney World. "Wasn't that performance brilliant?"

She sighed. "I'm so jealous of Brit. She is so beautiful, talented, fashionable, rich, famous, talented, intelligent, and did I mention talented?" Hannah continued without waiting for an answer, "And she has **the** most amazing boyfriend."

"I once had a boyfriend," rambled Hannah. "But he got jealous of Britney, because I talk about her so often, and he dumped me."

Jessica nodded, "I know what you mean!" With a glance at Gilderoy and Nikki she added hastily, "About Justin, I mean. My boyfriends have never dumped me over Britney! That's crazy…"

Hannah looked from Jessica to Tonee and then back again, "You girls like Britney right?"

"Like?" Asked Nikki. "They love her! Adore her, admire, idolize her!" She silently added, "It's sick." She didn't think her opinion would go over too well among the four Britney obsesses.

"I love her too! Have you ever seen someone so amazing?" Cut in Gilderoy.

"Perfect!" Exclaimed Hannah, clasping her hands and squealing in delight. "Then you three can join my club!"

They looked honored. "Oh, my gosh. I'll be the secretary! I was once a secretary for the Spice Girls Fans United club." Jessica informed her.

Hannah looked deeply impressed. "Okay, you got the job."

"I'd like to be the treasurer," commented Tonee. "I was the treasurer for Boy Zone's Official Unofficial Fan Club!"

Once again Hannah looked impressed. "Quite the resume!"

"Then I guess that leaves me to be vice president!" Gilderoy's voice dripped with excitement.

"Yes, I suppose," agreed Hannah. "Now I am only president of the Britney is Power club." 

"A bit sad giving up the huge, ole long title but I would rather have fellow Brit worshippers in the club."

Nikki, who was getting a bit sick of the Britney Spears talk, suggested that maybe they should get back to the salon.

"You can come too Hannah! And for letting us in club we'll fix your hair for free!" Exclaimed Tonee.

"Oooh," said Hannah. "Would you? Let me just call my mum and dad."

An hour and one phone call later, they reached the salon. "Wow," said Hannah in awe. "What a spectacular moral!"

Gilderoy chuckled modestly, "It is quite flattering isn't it?"

Nikki unlocked the door, flipped over the closed sign, and jumped out of the way as to not be run down by Jessica and Tonee. "Come on Hannah!" Screeched Jessica. "We have to make you look like Britney!"

Hannah, looking as if someone told her she had just won the lotto, ran after them. Gilderoy sighed contently. "I can't believe I have lived my whole life before today without meeting Britney Spears."

Nikki raised one slender eyebrow and replied sarcastically, "Oh, I know! My life is now complete, I can die today and say my life was worth living."

Gilderoy nodded knowingly. "She just completes my life."

Nikki gave him a weird look and walked over to the cash register to wait on the woman who had just entered the salon.

"Phillipe!" Called Nikki. "You take this woman."

"Alright," replied Gilderoy, smiling charmingly. "Right this way."

The woman smiled nervously. "I heard from a friend that you are a great stylist."

"That I am," agreed Lockhart.

"Do you think you could do something with my hair? My friends all say I'm stuck in the eighties."

"Oh," began Gilderoy, unsure of what in the hey the 80's were. "Well, I can fix that!"

And Gilderoy got to work. Snipping, clipping, flipping… does this sound familiar? Anyway, he fixed the woman's hair so she looked like she came right out of Cosmopolitan! 

She gasped when she saw her new mane. She was hot! She was on fire! She could kick Britney out of business! She was the sexiest thing since wine!

"Oh, wow," breathed the woman. "This is amazing!" She patted her hair affectionately.

"You look ravishing," Gildy informed her. He had transformed a seemingly plain Jane woman into a walking Barbie.

"Do I look like a Russian supermodel?" The woman asked hopefully.

"You look better!" Exclaimed Gilderoy. "You look like a Peruvian fashion model!"

The woman let out a giggle of excitement, "Wait 'till my husband sees me!"

"How did you do this so?" Asked the woman curiously.

"If I tell you, I'd have to kill you," winked Gilderoy. "Or put a memory charm on you." He added.

The woman gave him a weird look, "A memory charm? What's that?"

Lockhart shrugged. "I don't know. It just… came to me."

The lady smiled, "That happens to me. Well, thank you." She paid him and left the salon.

"Wow," said Nikki from the cash register. "That was a near miracle, what you did to her hair."

He shrugged, "I'm used to it. " Lockhart sighed modestly, "I've been a miracle for sometime."

Nikki coughed to cover a laugh and, called to Jessica and Tonee, "Almost done back there?"

"No, give us sometime," called back Tonee. "We still need to color it and style it."

For two hours Gilderoy and Nikki took customer after customer while Jessica and Tonee worked on transforming Hannah.

"You guys," yelled Nikki exasperatedly. "We have to close up! It's already 9:30."

"We're finished," called back Jessica with a giggle. 

Nikki rolled her eyes. Honestly, whatever possessed her to hire these girls?

There were many shrieks, squeals, giggles, and even something that soundly like crying from the back of the salon.

"I-I look like Brit," sobbed a voice proudly. "Oh my gosh, I can't believe it."

"Well? Let us see." Said Gilderoy excitedly.

Jessica lead Hannah over to them, while Tonee stood in front, blocking Hannah from view.

"Presenting the new and brilliantly improved," announced Tonee with a dazzling smile. "HANNAH MCGREGOR!"

Tonee slid out of the way and Jessica clapped lightly. Nikki screamed softly and Gilderoy gasped. A mini Britney stood before them!

"You look very…Britney-ish." Said Nikki slowly.

Hannah looked like she had never received a higher compliment, "Oh, I know. It's my dream come true."

She started to sob hysterically. "How can I ever repay you?" 

"You let us in your club!" Exclaimed Tonee, as if this made up for all the work it took. 

Hannah's hair, which started out a bit unruly and tangled, was now sleek, choppy, and very blond. Shockingly so, actually. It looked like a day old lemon, it looked like…Britney. While it used to hang scraggly at her shoulders it now flowed past the collar bone ("Extensions," whispered Jessica.) and it shone like a beacon of freedom. 

They did her make up in a Spears way. Lots of silver eye shadow caked on, with gray highlighting it. Black eye liner and mascara sealed the smoky look. Glossy pink lip stick adorned her lips and huge dangling earrings ("My own," explained Tonee.) hung from her ears. 

"All she needs is boob implants and an outfit that looks like it belongs on a hooker, and she'll be Britney's clone," commented Nikki dryly.

"That can be fixed," said Tonee thoughtfully. "Jess has some clothes in the back that look just like Britney's outfit in Style Watch."

"Yeah," agreed Jessica. "And Tonee knows a bloody awesome plastic surgeon. But I think you have to be eighteen or older."

"That can wait though," continued Tonee. She gestured at her breasts, "I didn't get mine until I was twenty."

Nikki wanted to scream and slap them. Who knew it was possible to be so shallow and ditzy? But Gilderoy seemed to think differently. He was staring at Hannah with an almost hungry glint in his eye.

"What do you think Phillipe?" Asked Jessica, thirsty for approval from the famous one.

Lockhart didn't answer, he was entranced by Hannah's Britney like beauty. A substitute for Britney, that could almost match her beauty, now this was shocking.

Gilderoy peered at her, "Your splendor is one matched by only Britney and myself. You are as majestic as an eagle, and as wonderfully regal as a unicorn."

"Your hair flows with the passion of the Mississippi, your eyes shine bright as the stars in the night sky," breathed Lockhart. "Your lips are as luscious as a watermelon on a summer day."

Hannah stared at him in shock and disgust. But she was a bit flattered. A grown man, a gorgeous AND famous one at that, thought she was attractive.

Nikki, however, was revolted. "She's a child you sick prat!" And with a loud smack that could be heard over in Ireland, Nikki slapped Lockhart across his face.

And with a slap and a shout Nikki brought back one thing we thought Lockhart would never get back. His memory.

* * *

A/N: Oooh, a cliffy. Finally. Hope you liked Hannah, Hannah! *hehe* Wasn't Gilderoy so poetic and romantic? *ahem* Okay. Review on! And many thanks to my beta reader, Pete Stinky Feet.


	6. Memories and Elephants

It's a Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By: _PepsiAngel_

Disclaimer: Gilderoy and anything else you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling, and I don't claim ownership of it. I do, however, own all the shop workers and Hannah. Kodak moments belong to Kodak film. 

****

Chapter 6: Memories and Elephants 

There was a loud, unison of breath in taking, but Gilderoy stood up straighter. "Why in the world did you do that?"  


Nikki glared at him, "Because you were hitting on a child Phillipe!"  


"One that now looks beautiful, thanks to us," pointed out Jessica happily.  


But Nikki shut her up with one look. Gilderoy was confused though, "Phillipe? Who's that"  


Her patience wearing thin, Nikki replied with an eye roll, "You! Don't play dumb."  


"I'm no such person! I am Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award."

They all stared at him, flabbergasted. What in the world was all that stuff? Order of Merlin, Dark Force, Witch Weekly? Phillipe was off his rocker.  


"Oh, quit," said Nikki. "You are Phillipe Bryant, and you are an abnormal hair stylist."

"I do not know who you are, or why I am here, but I need to get back to Hogwarts." Said Lockhart desperately. "Those kids know!"  


Jessica eyed him with great suspicion. "Okay, Gilderoy," she said, deciding to humor him. "What do the kids know? And what is Hogwarts?"  


"Oh, it is a school that teaches witchcraft and wizardry," explained Lockhart quickly. "They had the honor of having me as a teacher, but that isn't the point. That Potter and that Weatherby know about my, eh, true past!"

"And?" Questioned Hannah. "What is wrong with your past?"

Gilderoy fidgeted. "Well, it's just less than flattering."  


Tonee looked interested, "Really? How so?"  


Lockhart chuckled nervously, they were asking too many questions! Where was your wand when you needed it? "I did some things that could have possibly been sort of kind of against the law."

"Could you," Jessica raised an eyebrow and paused, "get arrested for it?"  


Gilderoy shrugged and avoided her eyes. "No, er, maybe. But only if they wanted to be stingy and get upset over something very small. Which, mind you, sounds just like them."  


"Who?" Asked Nikki at the same time Hannah said eagerly, "It didn't sound like nothing, the way you bloody screamed!"

"The Ministry of Magic," Gilderoy replied, ignoring Hannah's question. Such the noisy girl , she needed to be taught a lesson. But Gilderoy did not have his wand or she would be cursed before she could say 'Crossroads'. "They are old fools I tell you."

"Ministry of Magic? Honestly, Phillipe! This is going too far," snapped Nikki. In the last five minutes she had seen a midget Britney Spears, one of her workers had hit on the midget Britney, and he now claimed to be a wizard. This was enough to make a girl get a migraine.  


"I am completely serious," snapped Gilderoy impatiently. "I need to-" But nobody would ever know, well for now anyway, what exactly he needed to do because at that moment an enraged customer burst in yelling.  


"Let me at him," screamed the angry woman. "Let me at that horrible excuse for a hair dresser! THAT OVERRATED PRETTY BOY!" The woman, who he had done up in a 'Peruvian fashion model' way, was positively steaming.  


Gilderoy looked frightened. Why was this overgrown woman yelling at him? Could it be because her hair, which had been cut so it barely slipped down her neck and curled up slightly at the ends, now hung flatter then Death Valley? Nah, that could not be it. So what was wrong with this lunatic?

"Whatever happened miss?" Asked Nikki in anxious concern.  


"Him," she spat out the word in disgust. "He did my hair so it looked real pretty, my husband thought so," she giggled. But then the dark look reappeared in her eye. "And I paid a lot for it, and now it's been only a day and my hair is worse then before."

"Calm down," ordered Nikki. "I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. Gilderoy, er, Phillipe styled your hair wonderfully but he probably forgot to mention not to wash it or something."

The lady visibly relaxed. "I did wash it," she admitted.  


"Well, there you are!" announced Nikki. "What's your name? I'll write you a store credit for a free hair   


The lady announced her name (Lisa Fletchly) and then exited the salon muttering about rip offs. Everyone stared at one another and a moment.  


Nikki clapped her hands, breaking into the silence, and said, "Alright. You two should really take Hannah home, before her parents call the police."  


Tonee nodded, "Okay. Let's go, Jess." They hurried Hannah out the door, imagining what laid ahead of them when the McGregor's saw her new Britney look.  


"Alright GILDEROY," Nikki said sarcastically. "Why don't you magic yourself a bed and sleep in the salon?"

Lockhart looked a bit worried, "Um, are you sure that's such a, eh, great idea?"  


Nikki smirked and raised her eyebrows. "You aren't scared, are you?"

Gilderoy shook his head firmly, "No, not at all. Of course not! I was just wondering if it was safe for the shop. A female fan may see me in here and the urge to meet me just may be to strong. They might break the window to reach me!" he nodded, "Yeah, that's it."  


Nikki laughed out loud. "I think there is a better chance of a herd of elephants stampeding down the street right now, lead by a drunk clown in drag."  


"Who says that can't happen?" Shrugged Gilderoy.  


And at that moment they heard a loud trumpeting sound that could only come form an elephant...or a trumpet. But, knowing Nikki's wonderful luck, then it was an elephant. Or two. Or a whole herd, led by a drunk clown.  


Nikki groaned and hurried to the window, with Gilderoy next to her, and, sure enough, there were seven African elephants walking through the street. A little clown, barely reaching five feet, was staggering in front of the herd, singing in a slurred, off key voice, but the strangest thing about the tiny man was that he had on a pink slip, stiletto heels, and curlers in his hair.

"What is the meaning of this?" Shouted Lockhart, opening the door.  


One of the elephants, the one in the front, eyed him dangerously. But Gilderoy, being dense, continued on. "I command you to take these animals back to the circus immediately!"  


The drunken clown glared at Gilderoy and laughed in a high voice. "Aw, man. We're jush havin' fun! Rish girl?"  


The clown turned toward the head elephant and she trumpeted once more.  


Gilderoy stared at the elephant defiantly. "Oh, you over grown rhino! You wouldn't dare touch Gilderoy Lockhart, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award!"  


Lockhart spoke too soon. She bent low, wrapped her thick trunk around Gilderoy's middle and yanked him up into the air in a surprisingly gentle movement.  


The clown giggled and cheered her on, yelling things like, "Poke him with your tusk Betty!" Nikki too found this scene undeniably funny. Even the other elephants were trumpeting their approval of Betty's antics. The only one in disarray seemed to be poor Gilderoy.  


As Lockhart began to sob and shout frantically, Betty flipped him over so his head was upright again. Gilderoy screams never faltered, and Nikki no longer felt a need to hide her laughter and she burst into loud chuckles. The clown continued to shout out with glee, as if this was just a really comedic performance, not like dear Gilderoy was being tortured by a giant beast!  


Jessica and Tonee pulled up, having come to retrieve their forgotten purses, and jumped out of the car as soon as they saw Lockhart in Betty's trunk.

The elephant flipped Gilderoy over quickly ("Aaaggghhh!") and the two girls ran over to his aide. They, unfortunately, were not much help and simply stood and screamed helplessly at Betty that she was a 'bad, bad elephant'.

Nikki wished that she could implant this scene in her head forever. The cross dressing clown hollering in glee; Jessica and Tonee shouting, in vain, at Betty; Betty herself looking overjoyed as she tortured Lockhart; and Gilderoy, squeezed in the trunk of an elephant, crying out in hysterics. This was truly a Kodak moment!

A/N: Hope everyone liked the whole elephant scene! It was kind of unexpected, but I think it turned out alright. Review on and tell me what you thought of this long awaited chapter. Also, thanks much to my awesome beta reader, Hermioneg. Rock on girlie.

*This chapter is dedicated to my buddies Shes A Star and Twix because they love this story! 


	7. It's Off to Hogwarts We Go

It's a Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By: _PepsiAngel_

Disclaimer: Everyone and everything you recognize from Harry Potter belongs to Ms. Rowling. All the other stuff is mine! Sorry for the long delay, but the story if also going to be longer than I originally planned.

****

Chapter Seven: It's Off to Hogwarts We Go

Nikki chuckled to herself as she read the headline on the morning's newspaper. _Drunken clown leads parade of elephants down Brickman Avenue! _it announced in fat, bold letters across the top of the paper. A picture of Gilderoy, inside the elephant's trunk, was on the front page as well.

Of course, Lockhart found this less then flattering. Whenever the paper was mentioned he would reply huffily, "Well, I would think they could at least choose a picture when my hair looked better!" The person would then give Gilderoy strange looks as he proceeded in grumbling, annoyed, to himself about 'journalists having NO decency'.

"Honestly, Phillipe-- Gilderoy," began Nikki slowly. "Don't you think you should be getting back to "Hogwarts"… they probably miss you a lot over there."

Tonee had a sudden, and extremely violent, coughing fit after this statement and Jessica muttered something that sounded like "I doubt that". But of course that couldn't have been what she said, rationalized Gilderoy. It was clear to even the slowest of people, such as Jessica (as sweet as she was, the girl was lacking an IQ, unlike the very intelligent Gilderoy), that he was loved wherever he went.

"Why, yes," agreed Gilderoy thoughtfully. "I am sure they do miss me. Or maybe not…"

Nikki gasped loudly and Tonee and Jessica had to hold onto each other for support. Even the customers, two little old ladies, stared at him in shock. Was Phillipe-Gilderoy admitting that maybe he wasn't as amazingly, shockingly, and you thought it was impossible, completely and totally irresistible as he suggested?

"- They probably just miss my roguish good looks and charming smile."

Nikki sighed in relief. The world was right again. Gilderoy still thought he was God's gift to women (and all of mankind, actually).

"Yes, that's it." Nodded Jessica in fake seriousness. "I am positive that everyone over at that Cowscabs are mad about your er, roguish good looks and that smile."

"Oh yes," said Tonee in a serious tone. "He is, after all, the two-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award!"

Gilderoy opened his mouth repeatedly but no words came out. He glanced in the mirror, noted that he looked like a fish (a handsome one, mind you) and quickly stopped. When he regained the power of speech Lockhart yelled, "TWO-TIME WINNER?! TWO-TIME? TRY FIVE! 1...2...3...4...5 YEARS IN A ROW!" He collapsed into a plastic covered hair styling seat, holding his heart as if he had been stabbed. "I have never, and I am including the time in my second year when I got beat out by Elizabeth Tolling for best hair, been so insulted in my life!"

"Er…" Stuttered a bewildered Tonee. "I'm sorry?"

"Sorry? Of all of my accomplishments, and believe me, there have been many, I am most proud of my award winning smile. You just waltz in here and denounce its greatness to a mere two-time winner? I think not!" Gilderoy paused, breathing heavily.

Nikki raised an eyebrow, "You done?"

"No, I just ran out of breath, " replied Gilderoy, before beginning to rant once more. "I will try to be the bigger person, and forgive you but this has put a major strain on our friendship. I can never look at you again without hearing the words 'two-time winner' over and over in my head until I go mad and rip out all my luscious golden locks!"

Tonee and Jessica backed away in fright. Nikki, however, just rolled her eyes and gasped, "NOT your luscious locks!"

Gilderoy shook his head sadly, "Yes, I am afraid that it might come to that."

Nikki nodded thoughtfully. "Not if you leave now, though!" She disagreed, an idea forming in her head. "If you get your stuff and just leave without looking back!"

Jessica's eyes lit up and she began to get excited. "Purchase a one way ticket to Hogwarts."

Tonee positively shouted out in glee, "But don't plan any visits either!" She paused and quickly added hastily, "I mean, we don't want you to be driven mad and have you savagely rip out your darling mane." She hoped that you could not tell from her voice how much that idea appealed to her. Just as long as she, you know, didn't see him do it.

Gilderoy's eyes began to fill up with tears but he held them back, "Oh, I know you girls are right. But… but how I would miss you!"

They all nodded, trying desperately to make it appear as if they felt the same as him. "Yes, the pain of you leaving may be too much to bare." Said Nikki. "But if you just leave me a piece of your hair, I am positive I could… move on."

Gilderoy's eyes widened to the point that Nikki reckoned they would soon just fall from his head. He fingered his hair lovingly. Sure, he would miss them genuinely but his HAIR? Lockhart would definitely miss that more.

"Er, no. No, that won't be necessary. I'll just leave a signed photo for all of you, that's it." Gilderoy grinned and winked. "No gal could resist that, now could she?"

Nikki bit her lip to hold in a laugh, "Oh, no, of course not. What was I thinking? A signed photo would be just fine."

"But honestly, Gilderoy," began Jessica uncertainly. "Shouldn't you get going? We don't want Tonee's voice haunting you forever! Go, go now and enjoy Hogwarts! They must all miss you desperately."

"Oh, I just remembered!" Exclaimed Gildy excitedly.

All three salon workers groaned loudly. Not this again.

"I hit those two brats with a memory charm!" He chuckled.

All the girls sighed in relief. They thought he had remembered something like he was a secret agent for the United States or a Russian spy. But they could use this newest discovery to their advantage.

"Well, then," announced Tonee. "You should leave now. Do not waste another moment!"

"I won't!" He agreed. "But first…"

Jessica and Tonee both screamed in frustration while Nikki's eyes bulged in disgust. If he didn't leave soon she was going to fix him a delicious drink. A drink filled with hair spray and rat poison.

"First I need to tell you guys," his voice cracked and he smiled forlornly. With tears welling up in his (gorgeous blue) eyes. "Good bye."

"Alright," hurried Nikki. "You said it, good bye Gilderoy-Phillipe. We'll all miss you tremendously."

"See you," said Tonee softly. She was actually a bit sad to see the stuck up-mirror smooching-narcissist leave. Nikki groaned to herself and muttered, "…never again." 

"I love you both," Gilderoy announced turning to face Jessica and Tonee. "My Britney loving, make over queens." He hugged Jessica, then Tonee. While embracing Tonee he murmured, "I forgive you for saying… you know what."

The girls pulled away from Gilderoy, and they both began to sob hysterically as they had when they found out about Justin and Britney splitting up. Jessica took Tonee's arm and the two hurried to the back room.

"Well," said Nikki. "I guess this is it. This is good bye." She meant this to finalize his farewells so she could finally rid her world of him.

Gilderoy shook his head, flinging his golden mane so that it shimmered and flowed dramatically, apparently at a loss for words. _Oh, bother,_ thought Nikki, annoyed.

"I will never forget you," sobbed Gilderoy before throwing himself on her like a child might do to his mother if he didn't get his way. Nikki gasped in surprise. 

Gilderoy was crying like a baby, hysterical tears rolling down his face like a river of sorrow. Nikki patted his back in an awkward kind of way. "Oh, Gilderoy," she sighed. "It's alright. Just go and I promise you won't miss me at ALL."

"Oh," wailed Gilderoy. "You have been so wonderful to me. I will never forget you as long as I walk this earth."

Nikki smiled a bit, despite herself. "Yes, nor will I forget you. Or your lies, poetry, dance moves… how you showed up the elephant." A full ledged grin spread across her face. No more lies… no more wasting money… no more insane imitations of Britney Spears' dance moves? This was magnificent!

Gilderoy pulled out of the embrace and wiped his eyes. "I hate to go so suddenly-" 

Nikki snorted, "Trust me, it isn't sudden."

"If you are okay, then I will go. Do not fret, I will try to visit you soon!" He waved quickly and left the shop as to not further delay his leaving and make it any harder.

Nikki watched Lockhart go with pure happiness and disbelief that he was actually truly GONE. For awhile there it seemed as if they were cursed with being stuck with him for ever. So, naturally, she should be ecstatic. For some reason, she wasn't happy. Or excited. Instead she felt as if a part of her was leaving. But why?

She thought back to the last few days, of all the crazy and even infuriating things Gilderoy had done. Had it only been a few days since he had entered her life? As Nikki remembered all the hilarious things Lockhart had done, a fountain, that was located across the street, went off in shades of pink and purple. 

"Oh my God," she whispered, holding a hand to her mouth delicately. "I love Gilderoy! I am totally, head-over-heels in love with Gilderoy!"

Nikki desperately looked up the street but Lockhart was no where in sight. She had missed the chance to reveal to the man of her dreams how she felt. With a huge sigh she plopped down onto the steps of the salon. As she looked at the image of him on the window, she knew that no matter what she had to find him. 

Some how.

A/N: I based that scene with Nikki off of Clueless when Cher figures out she's in love with Josh. Was his name Josh? Anyway, much thanks to Shes A Star for inspiring me to write more. Review now darlings!


	8. Which Way to Hogwarts?

It's A Hair Dressers Life For Us  
**By: **_PepsiAngel  
_

Disclaimer: All things remotely Harry Potter like belong to J.K. Rowling and all things you don't recognize belong to me. The "G rated muggle movie" I refer to is Tarzan, which belongs to Disney. This chapter is dedicated to the life of one inspiring rooster, Satan, and the life he lived.

****

Chapter Eight: Which Way to Hogwarts?

Gilderoy strolled down the cement paved street, humming merrily to himself. Of course, it had been painful to leave Nikki and the girls at the salon but surely the staff and students at Hogwarts would give him a welcoming so grand it would overshadow the negative feelings of leaving his newly acquired friends. It was not until he had been walking for a few minutes did it occurred to him that he didn't have the slightest idea how he was supposed to get to Hogwarts. Though he had attended the magical school and had also had the pleasure of teaching there for a year, or I should say _they_ had the pleasure of having him teach for a year, he had always gotten there on the Hogwarts Express. 

Not knowing how to reach his destination was a bit of a setback but nothing the wonderfully marvelous Lockhart could not handle. He would have this minor detail sorted out in a jiffy! But as Gilderoy sat down to ponder this, a jiffy (whatever that is) turned into minutes which turned into hours. It was nearly three hours later when he finally came to a conclusion, luckily this was a shockingly brilliant plan that would surely solve all his troubles. He would ask someone how to get to Hogwarts! The simple cleverness of this idea caused Gildy to pause a second and pat himself on his back before glancing around for a friendly passerby.

"Excuse me, sir!" Called Gilderoy, displaying his perfect manners to a man passing by.

The man stopped and uncertainly replied, "Ye-yes?"

"Would you be so kind as to tell me how to..." He leaned in and lowered his voice to a whisper. Gilderoy darted his eyes around before continuing in a hushed tone, "How to get to Hogwarts?"

The man stared at him in confusion, "Hog WHAT?" He must have misheard him, the fellow could not have said Hogwarts. Of course, this grown chap wasn't playing a silly gag on him. 

"Warts," answered Gilderoy. "Hogwarts." How could this man not know of the school, every witch and wizard in Europe did. Lockhart had to stop himself from shaking his head. Something was not right here.

The vertically challenged guy fixed him with an irritated look, "Please, I have no time for witty time wasters like yourself!"

"I just want to know," he began, but did not finish. It was then that he finally realized something we already know. Not that the man was a muggle, no, but the fact that he was insane. Completely loony, this one, needs to be locked up in Gilderoy's old cell at St. Mungo's.

Luckily, dealing with the mentally insane was one of Gilderoy's many natural talents. I mean, he did have to put up with his roommate. Lockhart shuddered at the thought, the old chap had enjoyed humping trees. Unfortunately for Gilderoy, there were no trees in the hospital so he spent a good part of four years being savagely humped by a beefy man who resembled a hippopotamus. 

Currently, this man was rambling on about the police, as Lockhart explained to him in a soothing voice, the kind anyone else would use to speak to a preschooler, "Hogwarts is a distinguished school located some where here in Britain." He chuckled, "Problem for me is, I don't know where." Apparently, this was supposed to clear it all up for the man, but it didn't. He turned to leave and Gilderoy had a revelation. 

"Oh, I understand why you do not know of it! People with, how should I say... mental instabilities must not be allowed to attend." He sighed, his brilliance once again causing him to be genuinely startled.

"Are you insinuating that I am mad? You should take a good look in the mirror, you are a raving lunatic!" 

He rushed away as fast as he possibly could while Gildy called after him, "I have taken many a good look in the mirror! Frankly, I just did so three hours ago."

He plopped down on the cement to think. What was he to do now? It took him only an hour this time to come up with a plan, this one even more ingenious than the last. Gilderoy had remembered that Hogwarts was located near Hogsmeade. He should just apparate there! Why, this was bound to work. It seemed dear Lockhart got more intelligent by the minute, soon he would have a new record for the smartest fellow to ever walk this earth. But, before that, he needed to get back to Hogwarts.   


Sooner than you could say 'magical me' Gilderoy had jumped up, brushed a few bits off dirt from his maroon robe, and was ready to apparate straight to Hogsmeade. He couldn't wait to get back to Hogwarts! Though, he might stop off at the Three Broomsticks first for a quick butterbeer.  


* * *  


With a 'pop', Gilderoy landed on the dirt road in front of the Three Broomsticks. The wind was blowing ferociously so he put his arms over his luscious locks to protect them from the savaging wind. Gilderoy puzzled over whether or not he should go for a butterbeer. He quickly decided against it; there would be hot tea at Hogwarts and every time he thought of the school he got more and more excited about the prospect of coming back.  


It took him a considerable amount of time get to the front gates of Hogwarts, but he made it there nonetheless. As he stared up at the enormous castle a tingle of excitement filled his body. It looked almost exactly as it had the last time he was there, except for maybe a few new plants but Gilderoy hardly noticed. What was he waiting for? He could not bare to keep the students and staff of the school Gildy-less for any longer, and he hurried through the enormous gates that seemed to be glaring down at him.   


"The fun has arrived!" Lockhart announced with a flourish. He then chuckled to himself, laughing at his own joke. He had seen this in one of them many G rated muggle movies they played at St. Mungo's to keep the patients busy.   
  
Gilderoy knocked twice on the oak door, using the old fashioned knocker. Nobody seemed to be answering. _Perhaps they were not expecting me_, he mused. Oh well, he would just as soon surprise them.   


He carefully opened the door and tip toed into Hogwarts, covering the gasp that almost slipped from between his lips. The awe-inspiring interior of the castle had remained the same, but the complicated beauty of it was far greater than Gilderoy remembered. No where near as striking as what he saw when he looked in the mirror roughly one hundred twenty -two times a day, but still exquisite.  
  
As he neared the Great Hall he heard it. The sound of hundreds upon hundreds of cheerful children's voices. They were in there, having supper right now. He had to surprise them, give them a real shocker.

He needed a grand entrance for a grand (and charming and handsome) guy. Naturally, he knew just the thing. This was going to be one arrival they would never _ever_ forget.  
  


* * *  


A/N: I'm terribly sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up, I hope you enjoyed it. C'mon and review people! Thanks to all that bothered. A special thanks to one of my fan fiction idols, AgiVega, for reviewing. Also, I'm not responsible for any new found fears of hair salons. *hehe*


	9. No One's Slick As Gildy

It's A Hair Dressers Life For Us  
**By:**_ PepsiAngel  
_

Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter like belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. Any original characters, scenes, or anything of the like belongs to me. The song 'Gildy' is based on the song 'Gaston' from Beauty & The Beast. 'Gildy' was created by Shes a Star (with help from the other Potterettes!).  


****

Chapter Nine: No One's Slick As Gildy

Gilderoy Lockhart barreled through the door and burst into the Great Hall. He tripped on a giant boulder as he stumbled in… oh, who am I fooling? He stumbled on well, the floor as he made his grand entrance. The chatter and laughter immediately came to a halt and everyone stared, gaping. As Gilderoy patted down his hair the only sound to be heard was Professor McGonagall's spoon falling to the floor, the clatter it made seemed to symbolize everyone's unpleasant shock.  


Lockhart looked around at all the faces. The very unfamiliar thing, even about the familiar faces, was that hardly any of them seemed happy at all. In fact, many of them seemed down right horrified. This was all very strange and unusual to Gilderoy… maybe they just did not recognize him! Yes, that must be it. _I have just the thing to jog their memory,_ he decided to himself.  


Gilderoy snapped his fingers and the lights dimmed. He snapped them again and a black top hat appeared in his hand. In a not so rare moment of cleverness, he flipped the hat onto his head, pulling it over his eyes. "It brings joy to my heart just to see you, Gildy," he sang out, surely echoing what was on everyone's thoughts. "With your five-time award winning smile."  


"Every guy here'd love to be you, Gildy and the girls want you for more than awhile," he continued. His eyes met Snape's and as angry as Severus was, you would think his dull, black eyes would burn straight through Lockhart's baby blues. Luckily, they did not. "There's no man in town as admired as you, you're ev'ryone's favorite guy."  


He beat on the Slytherin table with spoons, receiving many hateful glares, and then belted out with a flourish, "Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you and it's not very hard to see why!"  


He leaped around the room, spinning about with his luscious mane spreading out around him. He grabbed Minerva's hand (from it's place on her heart- clearly, she was falling in love with him all over again) and kissed it. "No one's slick as Gildy, no one's quick as Gildy."  


She pulled her hand away and mouthed at him, no words coming out, causing Gilderoy to chuckle. Was he ever going to stop making the ladies speechless? Nope, probably not. He'd surely have woman falling all over him until he was dead and gone. (But let us not think of such tragic things.) "No one's hair is as shiny and thick as Gildy's!" The song continued.  


"For there's no stud in town half as studly, perfect, a pure paragon. You can ask any Harry, Ron, or Dudley!" At this, Gilderoy pointed towards Ron and Harry who both shook their heads forcefully as if saying 'no, no, don't ask us anything'. "And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on!"  


"Not yours," muttered Ron. However, Gilderoy did not hear this or he would surely have had to sit down and recover from this heart attack inducing comment. And, seeing as this would delay his breathtaking performance, we are very lucky he was more preoccupied with entertaining everyone.  


By this time, Professor Dumbledore had decided to just go with the flow. "No one… grins like Gildy," he invented quickly, causing Lockhart to beam with satisfaction. "No one wins like Gildy."  


This gave little Colin Creevy (who, not surprisingly, was still quite little at fifteen) the confidence he needed to belt out loudly, "No one looks as great in baby blue as Gildy!"  


Gilderoy wanted to pause and congratulate himself on his fan base, but he held back. Instead, with one swift hand movement, he cleared a spot on the Head Table and leaped nimbly onto it. "As an author my writing's exhilarating!" 

Professor Sprout laughed merrily and sang out, "My what a guy, that Gildy."

Lockhart paced on the long, wooden table and danced back and forth in front of the Professors. He did a little shimmy when he was due north of Snape. "Give five hurrahs," he ordered. Everyone but Severus obliged, even Minerva McGonagall. "Give twelve hip-hips!" A hideous purple vein was throbbing in the right corner of Snape's forehead. It bulged every time he laid eyes on the singing sensation, you would even think he caused this twitching vein. But of course not, he can do no wrong.

Colin Creevy popped up on the table next to Gilderoy and crooned, "Gildy is the best and the rest are all drips." This caused Lavender, Parvati, and half the female population to swoon noisily. Gilderoy heard this and glared at Colin, how dare he use Gildy's limelight to try and extend his love life? Determined to end this fame stealers run at celebrity, Lockhart casually bumped him off the table with his hip. Colin squeaked as his small body plummeted off the side. 

"No one winks like Gildy, no one blinks like Gildy," continued Gilderoy as if he had not just knocked Colin flying like he was a useless rag doll.

Creevy managed to say from his, possibly permanent, spot on the floor, "No one washes their hands in a sink like Gildy."

"For there's no one as witty and clever," chorused Lavender and Parvati in perfect sopranos. 

  
Gilderoy hardly managed a smug look at Colin's flattened body, "As you see I've got brain cells to spare."   
  
Everyone else in the Great Hall shared a look and began fake coughing immediately, "Cough, cough, cough."

"Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny," sang out Colin. "As I can attest to." He muttered, massaging his sore muscles.  


"That's right," winked Lockhart. "When the girls walk by they cannot help but just staaaaare!" He drew out the last word and bounded towards the Gryffindor table. He grabbed Hermione Granger by her hands and pulled her gently out of her seat, causing Parvati to nearly faint from jealousy. But Hermione didn't appreciate it nearly as much as anyone else would have, she actually looked a bit ill. 

"I remember you," she was informed, loud enough for all to hear. "And I'm **positive **that you remember me." He wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively, as if they had some dirty little secret. She turned a dull shade of green and narrowed her eyes.  


Colin continued, "No one hits like Gildy, matches wits like Gildy!" Lockhart let go of Hermione and patted his cheeks lovingly.   


Ron, who had been sitting down the whole time looking grumpy, glowered at Gilderoy and announced, "No one is as much of a huge git as Gildy!"   


Lockhart threw one foot onto the bench of the Ravenclaw table and boomed in a false deep voice, "I'm especially good at autographing!" A wide eyed third year held out a quill and parchment, and Gilderoy signed her paper as if to make a point. The girl and her friends all squealed when they saw his loopy handwriting.  


"Get signed photos of Gildy!" Sang out Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchly together.   
  
This resulted in Crabbe and Goyle both looking at Lockhart longingly and whispering gruffly, "I wish." Malfoy glared at them and muttered about brainless fools.  


"When I was a lad I brushed twenty-five times, to keep my pearly whites sparkling and bright," he sang. "And now that I'm grown I brush fifty-two times so my smile's the whitest of white!" He roared deafeningly, grinning broadly to show his dazzling teeth, which glittered in the light.  


"No one charms like Gildy, has nice arms like Gildy," warbled Peeves, cackling. He seemed to think this whole song was a joke. Little did he know, this was Gilderoy's theme song. Lockhart took it extremely seriously, while still having fun of course.   


By this time Colin Creevy had peeled himself off the flooring and was now royally screwing up the Macarana. "No one protects damsels from harm like Gildy!"  


Lockhart paused in front of Professor Trelawney, whose inner eye had told to eat in the Great Hall for something fantastic would happen, to sing in a voice that made birds chirp in the trees surrounding the grounds, "I use my pictures in all my decorating!"

  
Professor Trelawney smiled her mysterious smile and her eyes were as large as compact disks behind her oversized glasses. She sang softly, her voice weirdly pleasant to hear, "Say it again, who's a man among men?"  


"And then say it once more, who do we all adore?" It was Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan singing sarcastically this time. Seamus jumped to his feet, grabbed Lavender and began doing an Irish jig with her. 

"Who's a super success?" Sang out Harry, smirking. "Don't you know? Can't you guess?"

Meanwhile, Parvati was waiting for Dean to ask her to dance but seeing as he did not know an Irish jig, he didn't ask her. This would have ruined her perfect mood if who else but Gildy had not pulled her up for a short boogie.

The ghosts, except grouchy old Bloody Baron, chorused together, "Ask his fans and his Witch Weekly pals, there's just one guy in town who's got all of it down."  


Lavender was still doing the jig with Seamus, but now Parvati was waltzing with Dean. Poor Dean, this was the only dance he had ever learned due to some torturous lessons while visiting his muggle parents during summers.

"And his name is G-I-L-E…" attempted Parvati happily. 

  
However, Lavender knew this was totally wrong. "Er, G-I-L-D…" she tried.

"Er...uh...oh...G-I-L," added Parvati, failing miserably. Gildy certainly was a hard name to spell.  


"Um...G-I…" Lavender tried one last time.  


Hermione sighed in exasperation, "G-I-L-D-Y! Oh, HONESTLY!"  


Parvati and Lavender shrugged and everyone in the whole of the Great Hall (even Ron, Malfoy, and the Bloody Baron) sang so loudly they nearly broke all the windows in the castle, "Gildy!"  


The only person who did not sing, nor throw a hat (or sock…or anything) at the end was Severus Snape. The only one who had not let themselves temporarily forget Gildy's lies was Snape. I guess this only proves you cannot please everyone, even if you are the most remarkable, brilliant, breathtaking man to ever walk the earth.   


Anyway, back to what was currently happening. It was mere moments after they had completed the grand finale of Lockhart's spectacular entrance that it happened… Just as the words "Gildy!" were echoing for the first time three people burst through the doors of Hogwarts. 

Can you guess who those people were?  
  
"GILDEROY!" Shouted one of the people shrilly, as if they had just seen the most amazing creature this world has ever known. Which, mind you, they did.  


Gildy looked up to see Nikki, Tonee, and Jessica standing in the door way, their smiles radiating light brighter than the sun's. They had found him.

* * *  


A/N: Oooh, I bet you never guessed it was them. Not. Review please, and tell me what you thought of the song and dance performance. Next chapter will tell of Nikki, Jessica, and Tonee's adventure to get to Hogwarts and how they found it, being muggles. 


	10. Introducing Rachel

It's A Hair Dressers Life For Us  
**By: **_PepsiAngel  
_

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize from the Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling. Nikki, Tonee, and Jessica belong to me. The plot of Crossroads belongs to whoever directed it. Rachel is based on my good friend and fellow Potterette, Twix. Also, Moulin Rouge belongs to Baz Luhrmann.

****

Chapter Ten: Introducing Rachel  


A downhearted Nikki slowly made her way into the salon, feeling as though just a squeak from the Wonder Pair would take her over the edge. And nobody wants to see Nikki when she cracks, because someone or something _will _die.  
  
Tonee and Jessica had been watching Nikki for a little while and she seemed to be down in the dumps, just flopped across an overstuffed couch in the backroom. They approached her with caution.  


Nikki peeked up to see who had the nerve to bug her, when she saw it was both of them she groaned aloud. "Yes, what do you need?"

They both stood, still as mannequins, and nudged each other until finally Jessica spoke, "We noticed you look…"  
  
She looked at Tonee helplessly for assistance and Tonee obliged with, "Like a Gloomy Gus!"

Jessica nodded vigorously. "Serious Sally," she chided in a sickeningly cheerful voice. "Turn that frown, upside down!" 

Nikki screamed and sat up quickly, leaning forward and aiming her long, pink fingernails at Jessica's neck. _Try for the jugular!_ A repulsively jolly voice in her head thought. (It sounded remarkably like Tonee.)  
  
Jessica squealed and backed away, right into Tonee's legs. They looked thoroughly frightened of her, and Nikki had to smirk. "Oh, girls, I am upset but you do not have to say such cheesy things to cheer me up!"

"Oh," began Tonee in uncertainty. "What do we do then?"  
  
Jessica elbowed Tonee. "I think the question she meant to ask is, what's wrong with you?"

Nikki shook her head, "It's really personal. Actually, it is just plain brainless of me."

"Don't be so hard on yourself!" Scolded Tonee. "We will not think bad of you, no matter what."

Nikki still wouldn't budge but began talking, almost to herself. "I cannot let myself fall in love, I never have and that's the way it should be. I need to just do people's hair and live my pointless existence."

"No, you _need_ love," exclaimed Jessica quickly. At the same time Tonee disagreed, "Your life isn't pointless. Individuals need you to do their hair, you are helping make a difference in the fashion world!"  


"I suppose," shrugged Nikki, but she was smiling. "If I tell you though, you'll surely think I am pathetic."

"Never!" Exclaimed Jessica, her eyes becoming large. "Tonee and I are your friends Nic, we would never think bad of you. Or at least we'd never show it." She said all this extremely sincerely and it made Nikki just want to hug her.

"Okay, I am positive you'll have only negative thoughts about what I am going to say but…" Jessica and Tonee were on the edge of their seats (relatively speaking) and were going to die of curiosity if she did not continue. Sadly, Nikki took pleasure in drawing out suspense to the point that Jessica and Tonee could hardly breathe because they were getting ready to scream when she told them.

It got to the point where Tonee savagely shouted, "TELL US!!" Jessica would have glared at her, but she too felt the urgency to know.

"Alright," said Nikki with a sheepish grin. "I have a crush on Gilderoy."

Complete silence.

"I really truly like him."

Total hush. You could here an ant crawl over the floor because of the utter quiet.

"I am madly, deeply, passionately IN LOVE WITH GILDEROY LOCKHART!" Nikki hollered at the top of her lungs. At this point Tonee's eyes had bugged out of her head and Jessica was mouthing silently.

Were they going to say something? Nikki started to panic. What was wrong? Was the idea of her and Gildy that ludicrous?

However, she was proved wrong at this moment. Jessica and Tonee began shrieking and screeching. They hugged each other and laughed madly. They seemed extremely, almost scarily, happy about this

.

"I knew it! I knew it! I told you Jess, didn't I?" Tonee kept yelling over and over, her words slurred by laughter.   
  
"No, you didn't," called back Jessica jumping up and down. "We thought she detested him!"

"Oh, I know," hooted Tonee. "I should have seen it though, they are so perfect."

This is when the tears came, pouring down like there was no tomorrow. Only they were not Nikki's tears, and they were not tears of sadness. They were cries of immeasurable delight, tears streaming down their cheeks symbolizing the bliss and ecstasy of love. Jessica and Tonee continued jumping around, laughing, and crying for several minutes.  
  
Nikki grinned the kind of grin you cannot stop, no matter how hard you try, as she watched their display. "But it doesn't matter, he's gone." Her voice had grown soft and her smile faded.  


Jessica looked at her as if she was insane, "So? We'll go find him!"

"That's right," agreed Tonee. "We know he went to Hogwarts, so let's just head there."

Nikki squealed and hugged them both, a little too hard for you could hear something pop. They winced but she didn't notice, "Oh no… but we still do not know how to reach Hogwarts!"

"Yes, that could become a dilemma," frown lines creased Jessica's normally smooth forehead. "I'm not sure what to do about this one. Tonee?"

"Let's ask someone how to get to Hogwarts," suggested Tonee wisely.

"Do you honestly think that will work?" Inquired Nikki in doubt.

"We'll see," shrugged Jessica. They looked around for someone, anyone, to ask. They decided to be spontaneous and just ask the first live thing they saw. Well, it had to be human but that was the only requirement. After seeing several trees and many birds, Nikki's eyes finally fell upon a petite adolescent girl.

They hurried over to where she stood, feeding a pigeon bits of stale bread. "By any chance, do you know how to reach Hogwarts school of Wizardry and Witchcraft… or Witchcraft and Wizardry?" Asked a hopeful Tonee.

The girl glanced up at them, her gray eyes questioning and full of suspicion, "Why?"

"We need to get there," said Jessica in desperation. The girl paused in her answering so Jessica added, "And we really should make it snappy."

Ignoring Jessica's hints, she replied, "I need to know your names before I continue speaking to you."

Nikki frowned at her before saying, "I am Nikki Mason."   
  
"This is Tonee Freeman," she gestured at Tonee.

Jessica stuck her hand out and smiled, "And I'm Jessica LeClair."

The girl shook her hand and said smoothly, "I'm Rachel Wood."

"So, Rachey," continued Tonee sweetly. "Would you be _doll_ and help us get to Hogwarts?"  


Now, this could have resulted just the way Gilderoy's discussion with that man had gone. But there was a distinct difference between Rachel and this guy: She was a muggle born witch who had recently graduated from Hogwarts while he had been completely ignorant to the fact that wizards even existed.

"Not to be offensive or anything," began Rachel in matter-of-fact like tone. "But you guys act like giant muggles. How do you know about Hogwarts?"

"How do WE know about Hogwarts?" Repeated Tonee in disbelief. "I cannot believe you just asked that."

"Yeah," agreed Jessica. "And calling us giant muggles? Totally out of line!"  
  
Nikki nodded, as if reluctant to see eye to eye with them. "Tell her how we know about Hogwarts, Jess."

Jessica stared at Nikki, at a loss for words. "Er…um. Well, we know." She offered, after stuttering a bit.   


Rachel smirked at them, "Yes, I realized that. I'm so brilliant, I pick up on these things."

Tonee didn't detect the sarcasm in Rachel's voice and thought it best to humor her. "Right, you sure are. Genius, really."   


"As we were saying," Nikki steered them back to the original topic. "Tonee is going to enlighten you with how we know of Hogwarts School!" From the way you she said it, you would think Tonee was going to do a magic trick.

"But…no. I thought Jessica had that pleasure?" Asked Tonee through clenched teeth.   


"I cannot handle such pressure, you do it Tonee," responded Jessica, pushing the task back to Tonee. She was going to return the favor and send the duty Jessica's way again but Nikki was tired of the little game and stopped her with a death glare.

  
"Right," Tonee stalled for time. "The truth is a guy who used to work at Hogwarts came to our salon a few days ago and we gave him a job. He was an itty bit mad but Nikki fell in love with him anyway…"  
  
"So we're trying to find him so she can be with her true love," added Jessica.  


Rachel held her hand up to stop them. "Did you say it's for the sake of love?"

"Well, yes," began Nikki starting to feeling uncomfortable. "Will you help?"  


"Love? True love?? Of course! Love is like oxygen! Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!" After this sudden outburst that took even drama queens Tonee and Jessica by surprise, she persisted in a rendition of the Elephant Love Medley.   


The thing about Rachel Wood that you must know is she's not a very good singer. Frankly, the girl is dreadful and the other three hurriedly stopped her performance before any of the nearby pigeons took their own lives. 

"Er, that's really good." Tonee lied blatantly to save herself from the torture that Rachel was inadvertently causing.  


Rachel pushed a lock of strawberry blonde hair away from her eyes and commented sincerely, "I do what I can."  


__

And believe me, dear, you've done enough, Jessica thought resentfully. Out loud she said, "Would you like to come with us to Hogwarts?" Of course, Rachel kind of had to come but Jessica didn't let her know they were depending on her. No siree, she was not going to let this girl that barely hit puberty be a deciding factor in Nikki's fate! That would be all up to her and Tonee.  
  
This was a much safer place for Nikki's fate to be, of course.  


"Would I ever!" Exclaimed Rachel, who immediately winced. She sounded like an extremely cheesy actress from a cheap movie.

Nikki felt greatly relieved, "Okay, then I suppose we should be on our way." She gazed at each of them in turn. 

When she looked at Jessica and saw her whispering with Tonee, her heart sank. Those two planning something was never a good thing.

Tonee twisted around to face them, "We have an idea!" She gestured at herself and Jessica. "It's totally amazing, so try not to be completely blown away by our supreme brilliance and superiority." 

Nikki raised her eyebrow and silently wondered if Tonee understood what she just said. "Oh?"

Jessica took over from here, ready to deliver the mind-blowing news to them. "We decided that we should make this journey to Hogwarts entertaining…" A huge grin spread over her features.  


"Britney style!" Tonee added in glee.

If Nikki's heart was plummeting before, this was nothing compared to then. Her heart was sinking faster than the Titanic. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"A roadtrip, of course! It will be marvelously Crossroads too. We can take my convertible and listen to Nsync!" Jessica was talking so fast that not even she could understand herself.   


Tonee continued their plans. "The only thing missing will be a hot guy to drive us! But I guess Gilderoy can be the hot guy we are chasing after… so we'll just have to alter it slightly." 

Rachel smiled, thinking they were joking but Nikki knew better. As disturbed as she felt, she was sure her facial expression was dreadful.  


"What, do you not like our idea?" Tonee's voice was a mixture of hurt, shock, and annoyance.

This was when Rachel realized how serious they were. Luckily, she did not mind very much and actually thought the trip would be fun, in a cutesy way. But she would not listen to Nsync! Okay, maybe she would. Under the condition, they would play something off one of the Moulin Rouge soundtracks though.

  
Nikki would have been revolted by the idea, seeing as she loathed anything you could relate back to Britney in six degrees, but she was so used to their cockamamie schemes that the initial shock had already begun to wear off.  


"I have no problem with it," Rachel told them and held up her hands for emphasis.  


"So, let's get this party started," said Nikki but her voice lacked the enthusiasm the words should have brought with them.  
  
The four of them made their way back to the salon and Nikki locked up the shop. She flipped the sign so it read 'closed' while the others piled into Jessica's vintage convertible.

Nikki hopped in and they took off, ready to finally reach Hogwarts and more importantly, Gilderoy.  


* * *

A/N: I know, I know, I'm drawing it out! This isn't such a good chapter but I made the beginning leading up to the roadtrip so long that I feel the actual trip needs it's own chapter.   


*I offended a reader (Kathlene Burnell) and I feel badly about it. I didn't think about insulting anyone when I wrote the scene with Seamus doing an Irish jig. I hope you'll forgive my thoughtlessness and continue reading this story.

  


  



	11. Roadtrip

It's A Hair Dressers Life For Us

****

By _PepsiAngel  
_

****

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize from the Harry Potter series is J.K. Rowling's property. Nikki, Jessica, and Tonee belong to me so please don't "borrow" them. Any actors or singers from popular culture mentioned are owned by themselves. The said singers and actors own the songs. The plot of Crossroads is the director's problem; I'm just using it. 

****

Chapter Eleven: Roadtrip

They had not gotten far before Tonee brought up the controversial subject that is Britney Spears. It was one block to be exact, but for her it was a long time to be Britney-less.  
  
"So, that song you were er, um…" Tonee was not sure what to call the thing Rachel had been doing. Torturous, painful, and gut wrenching were a few things that came to mind but she would stick with what Rachel had been attempting to do. "The song you were singing, wasn't it from Moulin Rouge?"  
  
She visibly perked up at the mention of the movie. "YES! I'm obsessed with Moulin! It's the greatest thing ever created, we need to worship Baz like the god he is. I tried to go to the mayor about holding an annual All Things Rouge Day but he did not like my idea, can you believe it? Some people just don't get the brilliance of it, tragedy for them."

Tonee stared at her like she was insane, which she was. But she preferred eccentric. "Um, right. I don't know what you're talking about but I liked the movie. That one guy who played Jesus was so hot."

"Jesus?" Rachel screeched, or she would have screeched but her voice sounded more like a squeak.

"Well, whatever his name is," said Jessica offhandedly. "He's major eye candy."   


"Christian," Rachel managed to say. "His name is Ewan McGregor and he played the character of Christian, not Jesus or Moses or God!" She was breathing heavily and seemed to have put a lot of energy into that rant.

Nikki, meanwhile, was in fits of giggles next to Jessica. "Jesus," she would say aloud to herself and then burst out laughing again.

Tonee and Jessica dared not say anymore, at least for a while, in fear of another round of enraged ranting and Rachel was still shocked by the first comment. So, they drove in silence for a mile or two with just Nikki's occasionally laughter and the light wind blowing by breaking the silence.

After quite some time Jessica dared to give her opinion, "The guy might be cute, and there may be a lot of diamonds but that can't conceal the truth."

Rachel looked interested, "Oh?"

"Yep," continued Jessica. "They are trying to hide behind all the glitter and can-can skirts but they cannot keep mum the fact that Britney is a much better actress than Nicole Kidman and that Crossroads beats Moulin Rouge any day!"

This made Rachel the angriest she had ever been in her whole life, but not as angry as Gilderoy when Tonee said you know what. Her eyes flashed olive and she bared her pearly whites. "How dare you even compare Britney Spears to Nic? How could you be so disgraceful as to suggest that Crossroads is even 1/100 as spectacular as MR? I almost pity you."

"Pity **Jess**? You have no need to pity her; you should pity only Nicole Kidman because she is such an atrocious actress and got dumped brutally by Tom Cruise! She could never be what Britney is because she is not as gifted and beautiful. She would have done better in MR." Tonee seethed and her chocolate brown eyes turned to angry, red slits.

Nikki watched this exchange with the greatest of amusement. She wished she had some popcorn and maybe a giant Coke to go along with the show. Better make that a Diet Coke; she needed to watch her weight after all.

Rachel found nothing, absolutely nothing funny, about this argument. In fact, her fury had reached new heights. 

"Britney's intelligence is one rivaled only by garden tools," she snapped and her voice was clear though her brain was fuzzy with resentment. "Speaking of garden tools, Britney is a hoe. She made it into the business by talent but it was not talent in the singing department. Maybe she should have been in MR, she would have played a lovely prostitute, don't you think? She would actually be good at it since she plays the role every day."

Jessica gasped and grabbed Nikki's arm for support, while doing so she let go of the steering wheel. Nikki yanked her arm free and grabbed the wheel, averting them from possible danger. 

"I can't be in a car with you any longer," announced Tonee who was simply beside herself with anger.

"Get out," demanded Jessica as she steered the car to the side of the road.   
  
Rachel and Nikki stared at her in disbelief as she pointed to their right. "Go on, leave! I'm not kidding you."

Tonee stared at her coldly; her face like stone and she moved aside so Rachel could climb over her. Luckily, Rachel still had her sense of humor, "Don't let this put a strain on our relationship! Let's still be friends."

They sped off, throwing dirt after them. Rachel stood, coughing and waving her hand in the air in front of her to clear the dust. "I guess that would be a no," she muttered sarcastically.  
  
Nikki was glaring at the other two as they drove down the road; it went on so long that they both finally asked in unison, "Oh, what is it?"  


This was the wrong thing to ask. "I have always put up with your ranting about Britney Spears, even though I would rather smash my head in a cupboard repeatedly, at least that would be less painful. But I am _not_ going to let you ruin my chance with the guy I love! Your obsession with Spears has gone too far this time, and I want you to go undo it and NOW." She glared, daring either of them to question her authority.

They had never heard her so angry and Jessica barely managed to peep, "Okay." She turned the car around and drove the mile or so back to Rachel. Luckily, she had chosen not to apparate and was still standing there.

They stopped beside her and she climber in gratefully, "Oh, I knew you would come back for me!" She draped her arm dramatically across her forehead. "Couldn't bare to be apart."

Jessica rolled her eyes and Tonee smiled a little but said coldly, "Get in."

"Alright, here is the plan. You all are going to make up, and you are going to do it now," ordered Nikki.

They all obliged and reluctantly shook hands. "You are going to have fun on this trip and hopefully I will too."

Silence. Nikki groaned, "Jess, Tonee, your first Britney style road trip and you are going to ruin it by being grumpy?"

Jessica bit her lip and Tonee looked at the floor of the convertible. "Alright," Tonee agreed and Jessica nodded.

Rachel replied, "No more Moulin bashing and I'm fine."

So, that was that. They pulled off with Tonee and Rachel perched upon the back of the car. Jessica was blasting the radio at full volume; their hair was blowing in the wind… even Nikki was enjoying herself. But the fun was just starting, at least for the others.

The starting music to Bye, Bye, Bye filled the car and Jessica turned it up, if possible, even louder. She turned back towards the other two, nodded, and they all immediately began singing. They added those annoying little hand movements at the chorus, as well.  


"I'm doin' this tonight, you're probably gonna start a fight!" They sang extremely loudly and Nikki winced.

"I know this can't be right. Hey baby come on," they crooned. Nikki contemplated jumping out of the car but felt that might not be wise.

It was amazing how their voices matched Justin's freakishly feminine one perfectly. Finally, after a minute or two of absolute terror, they came to the final lines.

"Might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie!" Rachel soloed and all the dead bugs on the windshield fell off.

"Bye, bye, bye!" They finished together. 

Nikki gave them an ovation and they all, besides Jessica, bowed. 

I will spare you the details of the trip, like who had to go to the bathroom along the way and the number of times Tonee giggled or Jessica twirled her hair on her finger. Plenty of time had past, they had to stay over night at a motel once, before they got to their destination. But this would make the first sighting even more enjoyable.

Once again Jessica had turned Britney Spears on, only now her song 'I Love Rock N Roll' was floating through the speakers. Over the trip Nikki had began to light up, so much that an almost scary cheerfulness surrounded her like a rain cloud. This was why at that moment, without even realizing it, she began to sign along.

"I saw him dancing there by the record machine, I knew he must have been about seventeen!" sang Nikki. They all stared at her in surprise, especially Jessica and Tonee who knew how much she passionately hated Britney.

"The beat was going strong, playing my favorite song," she literally shouted. Her voice wasn't that good but at least she sounded better than Britney and Rachel.

Jessica shook her in disbelief, "How do you know the words? You detest her!"

"I borrowed your CD and I found out Spears is not so bad," grinned Nikki.

They grinned back at her and the five of them all began singing together, "I love rock 'n' roll!  
So put another dime in the jukebox, baby."

"Hogsmeade! I see Hogsmeade!" yelled Rachel excitedly in the middle of the song.

Jessica frowned, "You mean Hogwarts."

"I thought you attended it? Shouldn't you know the name," asked Tonee in desperation. What had they gotten them selves into? She could be kidnapping them for all they knew. She could be planning on raping them; maybe she wasn't a girl at all but a man in disguise!   


"No," explained Rachel patiently. "Hogsmeade is a wizarding village near Hogwarts. That's it right over there!" But what she saw as a quaint, postcard worthy village they saw as broken down, old town.

Nikki scrunched up her nose, "That? It looks like a ghost town." 

  
"What?" Rachel started to ask in confusion. "Oh, you can't see it because you aren't witches but trust me it's a lovely little village."

They seemed to accept this as a logical explanation and Jessica drove closer to the desolate town. She parked the convertible and turned off the music. They followed Rachel as she weaved through Hogsmeade and finally ended up in front of Honeydukes, the resident candy shop.

Tonee, after glancing around uncertainly at all the falling beams and rusty nails, whispered softly, "Is this place safe?"  


"'Course," shrugged Rachel. She waved merrily at the employer behind the counter, never mind the fact that he didn't know her. She gazed at some candy until he turned around to help some small children and then tip toed stealthily towards the storage room. They followed her lead, and made their way over to the storage room, tip toes and all. 

Rachel slyly directed the muggles into the cargo clattered room and began to climb the earthy passageway that Harry used so many times in his third year. On and on they climbed for what seemed an eternity. The only thing that kept Nikki going was the thought of Gilderoy's golden locks.  
  
"Are… we… almost there?" asked Jessica in winded frustration.

Rachel grunted out shortly, "Shouldn't be long now."

The passageway abruptly ended and Rachel felt above her head for the door she knew was there. When her hand finally discovered the wooden surface, she gladly pushed it open. Stepping out from behind the one-eyed witch she gladly took in the familiar sights of Hogwarts.

"How did you know about this route?" asked Jessica from below.

Rachel immediately busied herself with cleaning off her robes; "I'd appreciate if you didn't mention it to anyone. It is supposed to be a secret. I was quite the menace when I was at Hogwarts though."

Tonee smirked as she stepped out from behind the stone witch. Nikki and Jessica quickly followed her. They all scrutinized the interior of Hogwarts; the only thing they seemed capable of was dazed staring. The beauty of one Hogwarts corridor was hard for them to swallow.

"So this is Hogwarts," mused Nikki said as she rubbed the soot off her clothes.

"Yep," beamed Rachel. "This is good ol' Hoggy Warty Hogwarts."

Jessica smiled, "What are we waiting for? Let's go get Nikki's man!"

"Well, judging from the emptiness of the corridor they are probably eating." replied Rachel thoughtfully.

"Kitchen?" asked Jessica. "Let's go!"

  
She didn't have to tell Rachel twice. She literally galloped down the hallway (or fast walking as she would tell Filch if they happened to meet up) making the hairdressers run to keep up with her. She found this strangely amusing, she often laughed at things nobody else found the slightest bit funny, but her game ended when she skidded to a halt in front of giant wooden doors that lead to the Great Hall, er, kitchen.

"Is this the Great Hall?" muttered Nikki.

Rachel didn't know why they were being quiet but she mumbled back nonetheless, "Yes, and judging from the noise they are having a heck of a time." The sound of cheering, clapping, and even singing could be heard coming from the room.

She thrust the door open and stood staring, her small body somehow managing to block their view. She just stood there, not moving simply gaping at whatever was going on inside the Great Hall.

"Oh, shove off," hissed Tonee and knocked the red head out of her way. Rachel flew to their left and, despite the small crash, was perfectly fine. In fact, she was beating the ground with her fists and laughing madly. Apparently, she had finally gotten over the shock of what she had seen.

Jessica, Tonee, and Nikki squeezed their way into the doorway. They all stared in delighted disbelief at the scene in the Great Hall. _The_ Gilderoy Lockhart was standing in the middle of the room amid hundreds of happy people in pointed hats who were all singing thunderously together, "Gildy!"

"Gilderoy," shouted Nikki shrilly. All three of them had giant grins on their faces.

They had found him.  
  
* * *

A/N: Well, there it is, the famous roadtrip. I hope it lived up to your expectations and sorry for the Moulin bashing… I would say sorry for the Britney bashing too but I don't like to lie. Now review and recommend this story to all of your friends!


	12. She Snags Her Man

It's A Hairdressers Life For Us

****

By _PepsiAngel  
_

****

Disclaimer: Gilderoy and Hogwarts belong to J.K. Rowling. I own Nikki, Jessica, and Tonee but Rachel belongs to herself. I Enjoy Being A Girl belongs to someone who isn't me. 

****

Author's Note: This is the last chapter! I'm going to miss it a lot. But it would help ease the pain if you'd all leave pages and pages of reviews saying how you adore this story. That's not asking too much, is it? Thank you to everyone, especially Hannah and Twixxa, who have been faithful reviewers. You all far surpass hair spray and Britney Spears in my mind.  


****

Chapter 12: She Snags Her Man

Gilderoy looked over at the large, wooden doors leading to the Great Hall in annoyance. Who dared to ruin his grand finale? However, when he saw it was his former coworkers that award-winning grin appeared on his flawless face.  
  
"What are you three doing here?" He asked as he strolled over to them, still smiling. Why hadn't he guessed they would come after him? It was certainly lonely over at _It's A Hair Thing_ without his witty banter and charming good looks. 

"We came to see you," Tonee said simply.

He hugged all of them in turn and inquired curiously as he did so, "How did you get here?"

"Oh, we had a little help from a friend," replied Jessica. She glanced around but Rachel was nowhere in sight.

"Speaking of that friend," Rachel chirped as she slyly slipped in between the hairdressers and Gilderoy. "Do you remember me Professor? I was in your fourth year Defense Against-"

"No, I'm afraid I don't," interrupted Gildy sharply.

Rachel glared at him and grumbled, "Ya don't have to be so rude about it."

"Anyway," began Tonee weakly. "There's a different reason, besides just missing you, that we are here. But I'll leave that explanation up to Nikki."

She stared pointedly at the other two, but they were oblivious to her gaze. Eventually, she took a hold of their arms (her fire engine red nails digging menacingly into their flesh) and, ducking stealthily, led them out of the room. 

Tonee crouched behind the door, motioning the other two to follow her. In turn, they tiptoed over to her. She had to silence them quite a few times but this did not stop them from shaking with muffled giggles. 

"I've always wanted to be a spy," announced Jessica in an excited stage whisper.

Well, I doubt anyone wants to hear about their silly childhood dreams of being secret agents so let us mosey back over to everyone's favorite hairstylist and everyone's favorite narcissist. 

"Gilderoy," Nikki said turning to face him. "I have something very important to tell you."

Gildy shot her a sympathetic look. "I'm sure you do, but I also have an audience that's dying for an encore." He gestured at the students and staff of Hogwarts and Nikki had to admit it appeared they were dying… but certainly not from anticipation. They looked as if one more note sung by Lockhart would put them over the edge.

Apparently he did not notice this. With one swipe of his hand, he knocked off all the dishes and silverware, and well, pushed the students and staff of Hogwarts over the edge. They all scurried under the house tables, their arms protecting their heads, as if their life depended on it.

After all, it probably did.

Nikki took this all in, slightly anticipating it; she _is _in love with the guy, but still feeling apprehensive. Was she really ready for him to perform? From the looks on the faces of the terrified students and horrified professors, it seemed to be a no.

However, it was a little too late for second thoughts. Gilderoy threw Nikki one last roguish wink before plunging into his rendition of I Enjoy Being A Girl… with a very gildylicious twist of course.

"I'm myself and by me that's only great!" He sang causing a few sobs to ring out. "I am proud that I'm absolutely flawless!

Nikki's eyes widen. Wow, her man was talented! She blushed immediately, embarrassed for having thought such a thing. Her man… how silly she was being. Meanwhile, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter were plotting an escape- it was either that or suicide. They could not stand another of this torture. Both would have bet many galleons that Snape was behind this, using Lockhart to punish the students in a cruel and unusual way.

One look at his face told them otherwise. That infamous vein in his forehead was throbbing, bigger and purpler then ever. His left eye twitched uncontrollably at various moments and he was balling and unballing his hands, apparently trying to keep himself under control. 

"Wonder what would happen if he didn't do that," Ron muttered from his position under the Gryffindor table.

"I reckon he would give Lockhart a good punch," replied Harry quietly.

Ron shook his head, obviously not finding anything wrong with this. "I wish he would. It'd sure make things easier on all of us." He winced as Gildy belted out an even louder note.

"That my hair is much silkier than Barbie's!" He winked down at Nikki before beginning to do a little Latin inspired shake. "And I can fight better than Lucy Lawless."

None of the pure bloods knew who she was but all the muggle borns laughed nervously. A loud, admiring sigh rang out amidst the anxious chuckles. Jessica and Tonee glared at Rachel, the source of the sigh, but she was too busy looking love struck to notice. 

"Isn't he brilliant," she breathed.

"No," answered Jessica at once.

Rachel ignored her. "He's absolutely gorgeous too!" She giggled and you could almost see hearts in her eyes. 

Tonee's eyes, meanwhile, flashed a vibrant shade of pink (it's all the rage in Russia now, you see) and had to sit on her hands or else she certainly would have thrown a punch at the petite girl's head. 

These people and their anger, honestly.

"I enjoy being dressed in something lilac," Gilderoy continued, pointing at his newly acquired amethyst robe. "When my dates swoon at the sight of my face!" 

"Out I go with one of my admirers, like a devastatingly handsome prince!" Nikki had finally snapped out of it and was trying to get Gilderoy to stop his performance and listen to her. He wasn't paying attention in the slightest.

"When I have a brand new outfit, with my golden locks all in curl!" Gildy sang. "I revel in all my glory."  


"Gilderoy! I have something very important to tell you, please…" Nikki shouted over all the commotion he was causing. He just kept on singing.

"I-"

She tried to cut in again. "Gil…"

"Enjoy being-"

"Listen to me!"

"Giiiiildy!" He sang out, the sound of his charming voice bouncing off the walls. 

He began snapping his fingers in tune, "As women faint at my feet!" The next thing he did only added to those angry peoples fury. A strange glint appeared in his devastatingly blue eyes and he began to moonwalk across the smooth surface of the table. 

"And my teeth aren't teeth but pearl," he sang. This is when many people in the room lost it, and I mean truly lost it. Rachel sighed deeply looking at Gilderoy as if he was just dropped down from heaven, something he certainly would have agreed with.

"If you don't listen to me _right_ now, there are going to be consequences," threatened Nikki who was practically spitting venom.

  
He stopped, did a few robot moves, and began to moonwalk back. "Girls look at me like I'm red meat!"

At this moment, however, he was more like dead meat than red meat. 

"I enjoy being Gildy!" Mid moonwalk, it happened. Our poor, defenseless Gilderoy was ruthlessly attacked. A select few tried to deny the rest of us the privilege of having Lockhart in this world. Well, I ain't gonna take it! I'm fighting back!

Or I could always tell the story that might be nice too.

At the same time that everyone else was busy being enchanted by Gildy, Ron and Harry, the evildoers, were plotting how to destroy him. Destroy may be too gentle of a word, more like mutilate. Their plan was simple; knock him over (putting his newly manicured nails in danger) and run for their lives, meanwhile freeing the enslaved. 

Snape didn't plan what he did; it was a potentially deadly deed inspired by spur of the moment emotions. You see he was mad, real mad. He had been doing the clenching exercises his therapist had prescribed but to no avail! I mean, the ones he would have been prescribed if he _had_ a therapist. Which he absolutely did not, of course.

And Nikki, well, she was just desperately in love.  
  
"1, 2, 3," Harry had muttered to Ron and on three they had run wildly toward him and did something witches worldwide have wanted to do for years. Yes, they jumped Gilderoy Lockhart. 

Snape, meanwhile, ran at him screaming every curse word that he could possibly think of, naturally he didn't run out until he rammed into Gildy, head butting him in the gut.

Now, now, you can stop wincing and hugging your computer screen, he is going to be just fine. Anyway, that physical abuse wasn't what made him fall of the side of the table (yes, he falls off). It was what Nikki shouted that did it.

"I LOVE YOU!" She shouted. "NICOLE MASON LOVES GILDEROY LOCKHART!"

"You… what?" That was when he toppled over.

Ron, Harry, and the rest of the prisoners made a break for it and didn't even seem to hear her shout. Snape wasn't giving up that easily and was sitting on Gildy's chest, pummeling him. Luckily, little Rachel Wood saw what he was doing and had a sudden burst of crazed rage. 

She let out a loud roar and yanked Snape off Gilderoy. She immediately began throwing random objects at his head. He snarled at her before ducking from a flying fork and fleeing the room in a swirl of his signature billowy robe. 

Nikki fell to her knees beside Gildy and cried, "Oh, my love speak to me! Just let me hear your dazzling voice once more… please, I cannot bare to live without you!"

She placed her hand delicately over her mouth and began to sob softly. When she turned her head away, unable to bare it any longer, Gilderoy's eyes snapped open and he flashed a mere glimpse of his award winning smile at the other girls. Jessica and Tonee looked at each other and began giggling.

Nikki turned back around and he closed his eyes again and began to moan softly. "Nikki," he whispered and slowly opened his azure eyes.

She grinned down at him and softly stroked his smooth face. "Oh, Gilderoy…"

"Soft as a baby's bottom, isn't it?" He boasted proudly.

"Now that you mention it, yes, but that isn't what I was getting at. I'm just so glad you are ok!" She stared seriously at him, her gaze unwavering. "I was so scared when you fell-"  


"Savagely tackled, more like it," snapped Rachel.

Jessica nudged her, hard, and Nikki was left to continue. "I was frightened that something might have happened to you and I didn't know if I could go on without you, knowing that you are my soul mate."

"I understand. I thought my new robe might have gotten filthy, or worse, I could have broken a nail. But do you know what got me through those rough few minutes?"

She shook her head.

"You, darling, you. The thought of you and the sound of you talking… it kept me from giving in." 

"Oh, Gildy!" sobbed Nikki as she flung her arms around his neck. He threw his arms around her and he began to cry as well. Hard to believe but tough, strong Lockhart has emotions too and right now he had to express them.

"It's so… romantic!" sighed Rachel and the three began to wail.

"I know, and to think we helped them get together!" blubbered Tonee.

They ran out of the room to get tissues from the bathroom, wailing all the way there, and leaving the couple alone.

Nikki broke their embrace, "This is just like out of some cheesy romance movie."

"Isn't it? I saw quite a few while in St. Mungo's… visiting my mentally ill granny."

She smiled slyly at him, "Then you know that there is always some over-the-top lip lock at the end." 

Nikki didn't even wait for a response before pulling Gilderoy in for a kiss that put all movie smooches to shame. It was earth shattering, knee weakening, heart stopping, breath taking… and I believe you get the point. She vaguely wondered if the mintyness of her Tic Tac had worn off but it did not really seem to matter anymore.  


Nothing mattered. It was just Gilderoy and her, her and Gilderoy, her Gilderoy. It was perfect and life was perfect, everything was perfect! She was, obviously, having trouble putting an intelligent thought together. Everything seemed so far off. It was just them now and little things like making sense and having pleasant breath were pushed far from her mind.   
  
As she pulled away from the kiss and smiled warmly up at his face she knew that the only place she wanted to be was in his arms. The only important detail was that Mr. Magical Me, in fact, was finally hers.  


* * *  


To Be Continued…?   



End file.
